Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I

lack those things that are part of an individual`s regular course of

life.... therefore it cannot surprise me if my personal life seems

incoherent and without any plan.» Schopenhauer`s belief in his

genius served also to provide him with a perduring sense of life

meaning: throughout his life he regarded himself as a missionary

of truth to the human race.

Loneliness was the demon that most plagued Schopenhauer,

and he grew adept at constructing defenses against it. Of these, the

most valuable was the conviction that he was master of his

destiny—that he chose loneliness; loneliness did not choose him.

When he was younger, he stated, he was inclined to be sociable,

but thereafter: «I gradually acquired an eye for loneliness, became

systematically unsociable and made up my mind to devote entirely

to myself the rest of this fleeting life.» «I am not,” he reminded

himself repeatedly, «in my native place and not among beings who

are my equal.»

So the defenses against isolation were powerful and deep: he

voluntarily chose isolation, other beings were unworthy of his

company, his genius–based mission in life mandated isolation, the

life of geniuses must be a «monodrama,” and the personal life of a

genius must serve one purpose: facilitating the intellectual life

(hence, «the smaller the personal life, the safer, and thus the

better»).

At times Schopenhauer groaned under the burden of his

isolation. «Throughout my life I have felt terribly lonely and have

always sighed from the depths of my heart, ‘now give me a human

being` but, alas in vain. I have remained in solitude but I can

honestly and sincerely say it has not been my fault, for I have not

shunned or turned away anyone who was a human being.»

Besides, he said, he was not really alone because—and here

is another potent self–therapy strategy—he had his own circle of

close friends: the great thinkers of the world.

Only one such being was a contemporary, Goethe; most of

the others were from antiquity, especially the Stoics, whom he

quoted frequently. Almost every page of «About Me» contains

some aphorism spawned by a great mind supporting his own

convictions. Typical examples:

The best aid for the mind is that which once for all breaks the

tormenting bonds that ensnare the heart.—Ovid

Whoever seeks peace and quiet should avoid women, the

permanent source of trouble and dispute.—Petrarch

It is impossible for anyone not to be perfectly happy who

depends entirely upon himself and who possesses in himself all

that he calls his.—Cicero

A technique used by some leaders of therapy or personal

growth groups is the «who am I?» exercise; members write seven

answers to the question «who am I?» each on a different card, and

then arrange the cards in order of importance. Next they are asked

to turn over one card at a time, beginning with the most peripheral

answer and to meditate upon what it would be like to let go of (that

is, disidentify with) each answer until they get to the attributes of

their core self.

In an analogous manner, Schopenhauer tried on and

discarded various self attributes until he arrived at what he

considered his core self.

When, at times, I felt unhappy it was because I took myself to

be other than I was and then deplored that other person`s

misery and distress. For example, I took myself to be a lecturer

who does not become a professor and has no one to hear his

lectures; or to be one about whom this Philistine speaks ill or

that scandal monger gossips; or to be the lover who is not

listened to by the girl with whom he is infatuated; or to be the

patient who is kept home by illness; or to be other persons

afflicted with similar miseries. I have not been any of these; all

this is the stuff from which the coat has been made which I

wore for a short time and which I then discarded in exchange

for another.

But, then,who am I? I am the man who has writtenThe

World as Will and Representation which has given a solution

to the great problem of existence which perhaps will render

obsolete all previous solutions.... I am that man, and what

could disturb him in the few years in which he has still to draw

breath.

A related soothing strategy was his conviction that sooner or

later, probably after his death, his work would become known and

would drastically alter the course of philosophic inquiry. He first

began expressing this opinion early in life, and his belief in

ultimate success never wavered. In this he was similar to both

Nietzsche and Kierkegaard, two other independent and

unappreciated thinkers who were entirely (and correctly)

convinced that they would have posthumous fame.

He eschewed any supernatural consolations, embracing only

those based on a naturalistic worldview. For example, he believed

that pain ensues from the error of assuming that many of life`s

exigencies are accidental and, hence, avoidable. Far better to

realize the truth: that pain and suffering are inevitable, inescapable,

and essential to life—«that nothing but the mere form in which it

manifests itself depends on chance, and that our present suffering

fills a place...which, without it, would be occupied by some other

suffering. If such a reflection were to become a living conviction,

it might produce a considerable degree of stoical equanimity.»

He urged us to live and experience lifenow rather than live

for the «hope» of some future good. Two generations later

Nietzsche would take up this call. He considered hope our greatest

scourge and pilloried Plato, Socrates, and Christianity for focusing

our attention away from the only life that we have and toward

some future illusory world.

36

_________________________

Where are there

any real

monogamists? We

all live for a

time and, most

of us, always,

in polygamy.

And since every

man needs many

women, there is

nothing fairer

than to make it

incumbent upon

him to provide

for many women.

This will

reduce woman to

her true and

natural

position as a

subordinate

being.

_________________________

Pam opened the next meeting. «I`ve got something to announce

today.»

All heads turned toward her.

«Today is confession time. Go ahead, Tony.»

Tony bolted upright, stared at Pam for a long moment, then

leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes. If

he had been wearing a fedora, he would have pushed it down over

his face.

Pam, surmising that Tony had no intention of commenting,

continued in her clear bold voice, «Tony and I have been sexually

involved for a while, and it`s hard for me to keep coming here and

be silent about it.»

After a short charged silence came stuttered questions:

«Why?» «What started this?» «How long?» «How could you?»

«Where is it going?»

Quickly, coolly, Pam responded, «It`s been going on for

several weeks. I don`t know about the future, don`t know what

started it; it wasn`t premeditated but just happened one evening

after a meeting.»

«You going to join us today, Tony?» Rebecca asked gently.

Tony slowly opened his eyes. «It`s all news to me.»

«News? You saying that this is not true?»

«No. I mean confession day. This ‘go ahead, Tony`—

thatwas news to me.»

«You don`t look happy about it,” said Stuart.

Tony turned to address Pam: «I mean, I was over at your

place last night. Being intimate, you know. Intimacy—how many

time have I heard here that broads are more sensitive and want

more intimacy than plain old sexual intimacy? So why not be

intimate enough to talk to me, to run this ‘confession day` by me

first?»

«Sorry,” Pam said, without sounding sorry, «things weren`t

sitting right with me. After you left I was up much of the night

brooding and thinking about the group, and I realized time was too

short—we`ve got only six more meeting left. Am I counting right,

Julius?»

«Right. Six more meetings.»

«Well, it just hit me how much I was betraying you, Julius.

And my contract here with everyone else. And betraying myself,

too.»

«I never put it all together,” said Bonnie, «but I`ve had a

feeling that something wasn`t right the last several meetings.

You`ve been different, Pam. I remember Rebecca sensing that

more than once. You rarely talk about your own issues—I have no

idea what`s going on between you and John or whether your ex–husband`s in the picture or not. Mostly what you`ve been doing is

attacking Philip.»

«And Tony, you too,” added Gill. «Now that I think about it,

you`ve been real different. You`ve been hiding out. I`ve missed the

old free–swinging Tony.»

«I`ve got some thoughts here,” said Julius. «First, something

Pam touched off with her use of the wordcontract. I know this is

repetitious, but it bears repeating for any of you who may be in a

group in the future»—Julius glanced at Philip—«or even lead a

group. Theonly contract any of us have is to do our best to explore

our relationship with everyone in the group. The danger of an out–of–group relationship is thatit jeopardizes the therapy work. How

does it do that?Because people in a tight relationship will often

value that relationship more than the therapy work. Look, it`s

precisely what`s happened here: not only have Pam and Tony

hidden their own relationship—that`s understandable—but as a

result of their personal involvement they`ve backed off from their

therapy work here.»

«Until today,” said Pam.

«Absolutely, until today—and I applaud what you`ve done,

and applaud your decision to bring it to the group. You know what

my question`s going to be for both you and Tony:why now ?

You`ve known each other in the group about two and a half years.

Yetnow things change. Why? What happened a few weeks ago that

prompted the decision to get together sexually?»

Pam turned to Tony, raising her eyebrows, cueing him to

answer. He complied. «Gentlemen first? My turn again? No

problem; I know exactly what changed: Pam crooked her finger

and signaled ‘okay.` I`ve had a perpetual hard–on for her since we

started, and if she`d crooked her finger six months ago or two

years ago I would`ve come then too. Call me ‘Mister Available.`”

«Hey, that`s the Tony I know and love,” said Gill.

«Welcome back.»

«It`s not hard to figure out why you`ve been different,

Tony,” said Rebecca. «You`re getting it on with Pam, and you

didn`t want to do anything to screw it up. It`s reasonable. So you

hide out, cautious about showing any of your not–so–nice parts.»

«The jungle part, you mean?» said Tony. «Maybe, maybe

not—it`s not all that simple.»

«Meaning?» asked Rebecca.

«Meaning the ‘not–so–nice part` is a turn–on for Pam. But I

don`t want to get into that.»

«Why not?»

«Come on, Rebecca, it`s obvious. Why are you putting me

on the spot? If I keep talking like this, I can kiss my relationship

with Pam good–bye.»

«You sure?» persisted Rebecca.

«What do you think? I figure her bringing it up at all in the

group says it`s a done deal, that she`s made up her mind. It`s

getting warm here—hot seat`s getting hot.»

Julius repeated his question to Pam about the timing of her

affair with Tony, to which Pam was uncharacteristically tentative.

«I can`t get perspective on it. I`m too close. I do know that there

wasn`t any forethought, no planning—it was an impulsive act. We

were having coffee after a meeting, just the two of us, because all

you guys went off in your own direction. He invited me to get

some dinner—he`s done that often, but this time I suggested he

come to my place and have some homemade soup. He did, and

things got out of hand. Why that day and not earlier? I can`t say.

We`ve hung out together in the past: I`ve talked to Tony about

literature, given him books to read, encouraged him to go back to

school, and he`s taught me about woodwork and helped me build a

TV stand, a small table. You`ve all known that. Why it got sexual

now? I don`t know.»

«Are you okay about trying to find out? I know it`s not easy

to talk about something so intimate in the presence of a lover,” said

Julius.

«I`ve come here resolved to work today.»

«Good, here`s the question: think back to the group—what

were the important things going on when this began?»

«Since I returned from India, two things have loomed large.

Your health is number one. I once read a crackpot article stating

that people pair in groups in the unconscious hope their offspring

will provide a new leader, but that`s far out. Julius, I don`t know

about how your illness might have prompted me to get more

involved with Tony. Maybe the fear of the group ending caused me

to seek a more personal permanent bond; maybe I irrationally

thought this might keep the group continuing after the year. I`m

guessing.»

«Groups,” said Julius, «are like people: they don`t want to

die. Perhaps your relationship with Tonywas a convoluted way to

keep it alive. All therapy groups try to continue, to have regular

reunions—but they rarely do so. Like I`ve said many times here,

the group is not life;it`s a dress rehearsal for life. We`ve all got to

find a way to transfer what we learn here to our life in the real

world. End of lecture.

«But, Pam,” Julius continued, «you mentionedtwo things

loom large: one was my health and the other was...”

«It`s Philip. I`ve been preoccupied with him. I hate that he`s

here. You`ve said that his presence may ultimately be a boon to

me, and I trust you, but so far he`s been nothing but a blight, with

maybe one exception; I`m so caught up in my hatred for him that

my preoccupation with Earl and John has vanished. And I don`t

think it`s coming back.»

«So,” Julius persisted, «so Philip looms large. Is it possible

that Philip`s presence plays some role in the timing of your affair

with Tony?»

«Anything`s possible.»

«Any hunches?»

Pam shook her head. «I don`t see it. I`d vote for sheer

horniness. I haven`t been with a man for months. That`s rare for

me. I think it`s no more complicated than that.»

«Reactions?» Julius scanned the room.

Stuart jumped in, his keen, orderly mind clicking. «There`s