Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

at least to this female,” said Rebecca. «But I don`t want to lose

focus. Philip, go on, you`re still not making your point.»

«First of all,” Philip continued without a hitch, «rather than

tsk–tsking about all this awful depraved male behavior,

Schopenhauer two centuries ago understood the underlying reality:

the sheer awesome power of the sex drive. It`s the most

fundamental force within us—the will to live, to reproduce—and it

can`t be stilled. It can`t be reasoned away. I`ve already spoken of

how he describes sex seeping into everything. Look at the Catholic

priest scandal, look at every station of human endeavor, every

profession, every culture, every age bracket. This point of view

was exquisitely important to me when I first encountered

Schopenhauer`s work: here was one of the greatest minds of

history, and, for the first time in my life, I felt completely

understood.»

«And?» asked Pam, who had been silent throughout this

discussion.

«And what?» said Philip, visibly nervous as always when

addressed by Pam.

«And what else? That was it? That did it? You got better

because Schopenhauer made you feel understood?»

Philip seemed to take no note of Pam`s irony and responded

in an even tone with a sincere manner. «There was a great deal

more. Schopenhauer made me aware that we are doomed to turn

endlessly on the wheel of will: we desire something, we acquire it,

we enjoy a brief moment of satiation, which rapidly fades into

boredom, which then, without fail, is followed by the next ‘I want.`

There is no exit by way of appeasing desire—one has to leap off

the wheel completely. That`s what Schopenhauer did, and that`s

what I`ve done.»

«Leaping off the wheel? And what does that mean?» Pam

asked.

«It means to escape from willing entirely. It means to fully

accept that our innermost nature is an unappeasable striving, that

this suffering is programmed into us from the beginning, and that

we are doomed by our very nature. It means that we must first

comprehend the essential nothingness of this world of illusion and

then set about finding a way to deny the will. We have to aim, as

all the great artists have, at dwelling in the pure world of platonic

ideas. Some do this through art, some through religious asceticism.

Schopenhauer did it by avoiding the world of desire, by

communion with the great minds of history, and by aesthetic

contemplation—he played the flute an hour or two every day. It

means that one must become observer as well as actor. One must

recognize the life force that exists in all of nature, that manifest

itself through each person`s individual existence, and that will

ultimately reclaim that force when the individual no longer exists

as a physical entity.

«I`ve followed his model closely—my primary relationships

are with great thinkers whom I read daily. I avoid cluttering my

mind with everydayness, and I have a daily contemplative practice

through chess or listening to music—unlike Schopenhauer, I have

no ability to play an instrument.»

Julius was fascinated by this dialogue. Was Philip unaware

of Pam`s rancor? Or frightened of her wrath? And what of Philip`s

solution to his addiction? At times Julius silently marveled at it;

more often he scoffed. And Philip`s comment that when he read

Schopenhauer he felt entirely understoodfor the first time felt like a

slap in the face.What am I, thought Julius,chopped liver? For three

years I worked my ass off trying to understand and empathize with

him. But Julius kept silent; Philip was gradually changing.

Sometimes it is best to store things and return to them at some

propitious time in the future.

A couple of weeks later the group raised these issues for him

during a meeting which began with Rebecca and Bonnie both

telling Pam that she had changed—for the worse—since Philip had

entered the group. All the sweet, loving, generous parts of her had

disappeared from sight, and, though her anger was not as vicious

as in her first confrontation with him, still, Bonnie said, it was

always present and had frozen into something hard and relentless.

«I`ve seen Philip change a great deal in the past few

months,” said Rebecca, «but you`re so stuck—just like you were

with John and Earl. Do you want to hold on to your rage forever?»

Others pointed out that Philip had been polite, that he had

responded fully to every one of Pam`s inquiries, even to those

laced with sarcasm.

«Be polite,” said Pam, «then you will be able to manipulate

others. Just like you can work wax only after you have warmed it.»

«What?» asked Stuart. Others members looked quizzical.

«I`m just quoting Philip`s mentor. That`s one of

Schopenhauer`s choice tidbits of advice—and that`s what I think

of Philip`s politeness. I never mentioned it here, but when I first

considered grad school I considered working on Schopenhauer.

But after several weeks of studying his work and his life, I grew to

despise the man so much I dropped the idea.»

«So, you identify Philip with Schopenhauer?» said Bonnie.

«Identify? Philipis Schopenhauer—twin–brained, the living

embodiment of that wretched man. I could tell you things about his

philosophy and life that would curdle your blood. And, yes, I do

believe Philip manipulates instead of relating—and I`ll tell you

this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others

with Schopenhauer`s life–hating doctrine.»

«Will you ever see Philip as he is now?» said Stuart. «He`s

not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident

between you distorts everything; you can`t get past it, and you

can`t forgive him.»

«That ‘incident`? You make it sound like a hangnail. It`s

more than an incident. As for forgiving, don`t you think some

things exist that are not forgivable?»

«Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are

unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged

with emotion. «Many years ago you and I made a short–term social

contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I

fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and

I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got

something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and

release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our

conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening

but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have

been clearer?»

«I`m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, «I`m talking

about charity—love,caritas, concern for others.»

«You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience

life the same way as you.»

«I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.»

«In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased

to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter

condemning me to every member of my department as well as to

the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite

my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent

student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not

one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of

support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was

never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years

have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third–rate schools.»

Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense,

responded, «So you must feel you`ve served your time and that

society exacted a heavy price.»

Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He

nodded. «Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.»

Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few

moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the

whole group: «Don`t you get that I`m not talking about a single

past criminal act. I`m talking about an ongoing way of being in the

world. Weren`t you all chilled just now when Philip described his

behavior in our act of love as his ‘obligations to our social

contract`? And what about his comments that, despite three years

with Julius, he felt understood for the ‘first time` only when he

read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after

three years Julius did not understand him?»

The group remained silent. After several moments Pam

turned to Philip. «You want to know the reason you felt understood

by Schopenhauer and not Julius? I`ll tell you why: because

Schopenhauer is dead, dead over one hundred and forty years, and

Julius is alive. And you don`t know how to relate to the living.»

Philip did not look as though he would respond, and

Rebecca rushed in, «Pam, you`re being vicious. What will it take to

appease you?»

«Philip`s not evil, Pam,” said Bonnie, «he`s broken. Can`t

you see that? Don`t you know the difference?»

Pam shook her head and said, «I can`t go any farther today.»

After a palpably uncomfortable silence Tony, who had been

uncharacteristically quiet, intervened. «Philip, I`m not pulling a

rescue here, but I`ve been wondering something. Have you had any

follow–up feelings to Julius`s telling us a few months ago about his

sexual stuff after his wife died?»

Philip seemed grateful for the diversion. «What

feelingsshould I have?»

«I don`t know about the ‘should.` I`m just asking what

youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first

seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you

more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual

pressure?»

Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer

is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but

Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings

similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why

I felt so understood by him.

«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my

work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told

him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he

confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little

while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a

supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from

our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»

«Like what?» asked Tony.

«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual

seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and

asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded

only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That

response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had

arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»

«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.

«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my

tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a

suggestion: ‘He fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same

epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»

Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s

mean, Julius.»

«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant

to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it

played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I

wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like

acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»

«Do you know why?» asked Tony.

«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he

wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his

approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I

don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded

toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»

«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»

And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect

attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated

anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension

between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,

optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell

about to hit the group.

35

Self—Therapy

_________________________

When a man like

me is born

there remains

only one thing

to be desired

from without—

that throughout

the whole of

his life he can

as much as

possible be

himself and

live for his

intellectual

powers.

_________________________

More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a

dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped

Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,

devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,

were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring

bulwarks of support. Of these, the most potent was his unswerving

lifelong belief in his genius.

Even in my youth I noticed in myself that, whereas others

strived for external possessions, I did not have to turn to such

things because I carried within me a treasure infinitely more

valuable than all external possessions; and the main thing was

to enhance the treasure for which mental development and

complete independence are the primary conditions.... Contrary

to nature and the rights of man, I had to withdraw my powers

from the advancement of my own well–being, in order to

devote them to the service of mankind. My intellect belonged

not to me but to the world.

The burden of his genius, he said, made him more anxious

and uneasy than he already was by virtue of his genetic makeup.

For one thing, the sensibility of geniuses causes them to suffer

more pain and anxiety. In fact, Schopenhauer persuades himself,

there is a direct relationship between anxiety and intelligence.

Hence, not only do geniuses have an obligation to use their gift for

mankind, but, because they are meant to devote themselves

entirely to the fulfilling of their mission, they were compelled to

forego the many satisfactions (family, friends, home, accumulation

of wealth) available to other humans.

Again and again he calmed himself by reciting mantras

based on the fact of his genius: «My life is heroic and not to be

measured by the standards of Philistines, shopkeepers or ordinary

men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I