Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

Finally, Tony forced some words out: «So, what happened to

those friendships?»

«They drifted away, gradually evaporated. I saw some of the

women over the years by chance, but none of us ever spoke of it.

There was a lot of awkwardness. And a lot of shame.»

«I`m sorry, Julius,” said Pam, «and sorry about your wife—I

never knew that—and of course about...about

those...relationships.»

«I don`t know what to say to you, Julius,” said Bonnie.

«This feels really awkward.»

«Say more about the awkwardness, Bonnie,” said Julius,

feeling burdened by the chore of being his own therapist in the

group.

«Well, this is brand new. This is the first time you`ve ever

laid yourself out like this in the group.»

«Go on. Feelings?»

«I feel very tense. I think it`s because this is so ambiguous.

If one of us,” she waved her arm around, «brings something

painful to the group, we know what we should do—I mean we get

right to work even though we may not know exactly how to do it.

But with you, I don`t know...”

«Right, what`s not clear iswhy you`re telling us,” said Tony,

leaning forward, eyes squinting under his bushy eyebrows. «Let

me ask something I learned from you. It came up last week in

fact.Why now? Is it because you made a bargain with Philip? Most

folks here say no about that—that the bargain makes no sense. Or

do you want help with feelings remaining from that incident? I

mean, your reasons for sharing aren`t clear. If you want my

personal reactions, I got no problem with what you did. I`ll tell you

straight out, I feel the same way I felt about Stuart and Gill and

Rebecca—I personally don`t see the big deal about what you did. I

could see myself doing that. You`re lonely, sexed up, some broads

ask to comfort you, you let them, and everybody has a good time.

They probably got off on it too. I mean, we`re talking about ladies

as though they only get used or exploited. I get riled, really riled,

by this picture of men begging for some scrap of sex which

women, sitting on their thrones, may or may not decide to toss out

as a favor. As though they don`t get off too.»

Tony turned his head at the sound of Pam slapping her head

as she covered her face with her hands and noted that Rebecca, too,

had her hands to her head. «Okay, okay, maybe I`ll toss those last

cards and just stick with the cards saying,Why now? ”

«Good question, Tony. I appreciate your getting me started.

A few minutes ago I was wishing I had a cotherapist here to help

me, and then you come along and do the job. You`re good at this.

Therapy could have been a good career for you. Let`s see.Why

now? I`ve asked that question so many times, and yet this may be

the first time I`ve had it come my way. First, I think you`re all

right–on when you say it`s not because of my bargain with Philip.

Yet I can`t dismiss that entirely because there is something to his

point about the I–thou relationship. To quote Philip, the idea is ‘not

without merit.`” Julius smiled at Philip but received no smile in

return.

Julius continued, «What I mean is, thereis some problem

with the lack of reciprocity in the authentic therapy relationship—

it`s a knotty question. So addressing that problem is part of my

reason for accepting Philip`s challenge.»

Julius wanted a response. He felt he had been speaking too

long. He turned to Philip. «How doyou feel about what I`ve said so

far?»

Philip jerked his head around, startled at Julius`s question.

After a moment`s deliberation he said, «It seems generally agreed

here that I`m one of those who have chosen to reveal a great deal.

That`s inaccurate. Someone in the group revealed something about

their experience with me, and I revealed what I did only in the

service of historical accuracy.»

«Want to tell me what`s that got to do with anything?» asked

Tony.

«Exactly,” said Stuart. «Talk about accuracy, Philip! First,

for the record, I`m not one who`s thought you`ve revealed

yourself. But, mainly I want to say your answer is nowhere near

the mark. It has zero to do with Julius`s question about your

feelings.»

Philip seemed to take no offense. «Right. Okay, back to

Julius`s question—I think I was confounded by his question

because Ihad no feelings. There was nothing in what he said to

warrant an emotional response.»

«Thatat least is relevant,” said Stuart. «Your earlier response

came out of left field.»

«I am so tired of your pseudodementia game here!» Pam,

slapping her thigh in exasperation, spit out her words to Philip.

«And I`m pissed at your refusing to give me a name! This referring

to me as ‘someone in the group` is insulting and imbecilic.»

«Bypseudodementia you imply I feign ignorance?» said

Philip, avoiding Pam`s glare.

«Glory be,” said Bonnie, raising her arms, «A first. The two

of you are acknowledging one another, actually speaking.»

Pam ignored Bonnie`s remark and continued speaking to

Philip. «Pseudodementia is a compliment compared to its

alternative. You say you can find nothing in Julius`s remark

warranting a response. Howcan anyone have no responses to

Julius?» Pam`s eyes blazed.

«For example?» asked Philip. «You obviously have

something in mind for me to feel.»

«Let`s trygratitude for taking you and your thoughtless and

insensitive question seriously. Let`s tryrespect for keeping his I–thou promise to you. Or how aboutsorrow for what he went

through in the past. Orfascination or evenidentification with his

unruly sexual feelings. Oradmiration for his willingness to work

with you, with all of us, despite his cancer. And that`s just for

starters.» Pam raised her voice: «How could younot have

feelings?» Pam looked away from Philip, breaking off their

contact.

Philip didn`t answer. He sat still as a Buddha, leaning

forward in his chair, gazing at the floor.

In the deep silence following Pam`s outburst Julius

wondered how best to continue. Often it was better to wait—one of

his favorite therapy axioms was«strike when the iron is cold!»

Viewing therapy, as he so often did, as a sequence of

emotion activation followed by integration, Julius reflected upon

the abundance of emotional expression today. Perhaps too much.

Time to move on to understanding and integration. Choosing an

oblique route, he turned to Bonnie, «So, what about the‘glory be!

`”

«Reading my thoughts again, Julius? How do you do it? I

was just thinking about that crack and regretting it. I`m afraid it

came out wrong and sounded mocking. Did it?» She looked at Pam

and then Philip.

«I didn`t think so at the time,” said Pam, «but yeah, looking

back, there`s some mocking there.»

«Sorry,” said Bonnie. «But this boiling caldron here, you

and Philip sniping, all those carom shots—I just felt relieved by the

directness. And you?» she turned to Philip. «You resent my

comment?»

«Sorry.» Philip continued looking down. «It didn`t register. I

was only aware of the glare in her eyes.»

«Her?» said Tony.

«In Pam`s eyes.» He turned to Pam, his voice quavered for

an instant, «in your eyes, Pam,”

«Okay, man,” said Tony, «nowwe`re rolling.»

«Were you scared, Philip?» asked Gill. «It`s not easy to be

on the receiving end ofthat, is it?»

«No, I was entirely preoccupied in my search for some way

of not allowing her glare, her words, her opinion to matter to me. I

mean, Pam,your words,your opinion.»

«Sounds like you and I have something in common, Philip,”

said Gill. «You`re like me—we both have our problems with

Pam.»

Philip looked at Gill and nodded, perhaps a nod of gratitude,

Julius thought. When it seemed clear that Philip was not going to

offer more, Julius looked around the group to bring in other

members. He never passed up an opportunity to widen the

interaction network: with the faith of an evangelist he believed that

the more members involved in the interaction, the more effective

the group. He wanted to engage Pam—her outburst toward Philip

was still ringing in the air. To that end, he addressed Gill and said,

«Gill, you say it`s not easy to be on the receiving end of Pam`s

comments...and last week you referred to Pam as the chief

justice—can you say more?»

«Oh, it`s just my stuff, I know, I`m not sure and I`m not a

good judge of this, but—”

Julius interrupted, «Stop! Let`s freeze the action right here.

At this instant.» He turned to Pam: «Look at what Gill just said. Is

that related to your saying you don`t or can`t listen to him?»

«Exactly,” said Pam. «Quintessential Gill. Look, Gill, here`s

what you just announced:‘Don`t pay any attention to what I`m

about to say. It`s not important—I`m not important—it`s just my

stuff. Don`t want to offend. Don`t listen to me.` Not only do you

disqualify yourself, but it is vapid. Downright tedious. Christ, Gill!

You got something to say? Just stand up and say it!»

«So, Gill,” Julius asked, «if you were goingto say it straight

out without preamble, what would it be?» That good old

conditional voice ploy.

«I`d say to her—to you, Pam—youare the judge I fear here.

You sit in judgment of me. I`m uneasy—no, I`m downright

terrified, in your presence.»

«That`s straight, Gill.Now I`m listening,” said Pam.

«So, Pam,” said Julius, «that`s two men here—Philip and

Gill—who express fear of you. Do you have some reaction to

that?»

«Yep—a big reaction: ‘That`s their problem.`”

«Any possibility that it`s also your problem?» said Rebecca.

«Maybe other men in your life have felt this too.»

«I`ll think about it.»

«Feedback, anyone, about this last interchange?» Asked

Julius.

«I think Pam`s being a little dodgy,” said Stuart.

«I agree. I get the feeling that you`re not going to think too

hard about it, Pam,” said Bonnie.

«Yep, you`re dead right. I think I`m still smarting from

Rebecca saying she wanted to protect Philip from my rage.»

«It`s a dilemma, isn`t it, Pam?» said Julius. «As you just said

to Gill, you value no–bullshit feedback. Yet when you get it, ouch,

how it smarts.»

«That`s true—so maybe I`m not as tough as I appear. And,

Rebecca, that did hurt.»

Rebecca said, «I`m sorry, Pam; that wasn`t my intention.

Supporting Philip is not identical to attacking you.»

Julius waited and wondered in which direction to guide the

group. There were many possibilities. Pam`s rage and

judgmentalism were on the table. And what about the other men,

Tony and Stuart? Where were they? And the competitiveness

between Pam and Rebecca was still on the table. Or should the

group deal with the unfinished business with Bonnie and her

mocking statement? Or perhaps focus more on the outburst from

Pam to Philip? He knew it was best to be patient; it would be a

mistake to push too fast. After only a handful of meetings there

had been definite progress toward dГ©tente. Maybe they had done

enough today. Hard to gauge, though; Philip gave little away. But

then, to Julius`s surprise, the group took an entirely unanticipated

direction.

«Julius,” said Tony, «I been wondering. You okay with the

response to what you revealed?»

«Well, we didn`t get very far. Let me think about what

happened. You told me how you felt and so did Pam, and then she

and Philip got into it about his not having feelings about my

revelation. And, Tony, I never really answered your question about

‘why now.` Let me go back to that.» Julius took time to gather his

thoughts, keenly aware that his self–revelation, or that of any

therapist, always had double implications: first, whatever he got

out of it for himself and, second, the modeling that it set for the

group.

«I can tell you that I was not about to be deterred from

revealing what I did. I mean, almost everyone here tried to stop

me, but I felt bullheaded, absolutely determined to continue. This

is very unusual for me and I`m not sure I understand it fully, but

there`s something important there. You inquired, Tony, whether I

was asking for help with it—or maybe asking for forgiveness. No,

that wasn`t it; long ago I forgave myself after spending years

working on it with my friends and with a therapist. One thing I can

tell you for sure: in the past, I mean before my melanoma, I would

never, not in a thousand years, have said what I said in the group

today.

«Before my melanoma,” Julius continued. «That`s the key.

We`ve all got a death sentence—I know you all pay me well for

such cheery pronouncements—but the experience of having it

certified, stamped, and even dated has sure caught my attention.

My melanoma is giving me a strange sense of release that`s got a

lot to do with my revealing myself today. Maybe that`s why I`ve

been yearning for a co–therapist—someone objective who can

make sure that I continue acting in your best interests.»

Julius stopped. Then, he added, «I noted that none of you

responded earlier when I commented on how you were taking care

of me today.»

After a few more moments of silence, Julius added, «And

you`re still not.You see, this is why I miss having a co–therapist

here. I`ve always believed that if there`s something big that`s not

being talked about, then nothing else that`s important can be

worked on either. My job is to remove obstacles; the last thing I

want is tobe an obstacle. Now, it`s hard for me to get outside

myself, but I feel you`re avoiding me, or let me put it this way,

avoidingmy mortal illness. ”

Bonnie said, «Iwant to discuss what`s happening to you; but

I don`t want to cause you pain.»

Others agreed.

«Yep, now you`ve put your finger right on it. Now listen

hard to what I`m going to say: there`s only one way you can hurt

me—and that is to cut yourself off from me. It`s hard to talk to

someone with a life–threatening illness—I know that. People have

a tendency to tread gently; they don`t know the right thing to say.»

«That`s right–on for me,” said Tony. «I don`t know what to

say. But I`m going to try to stay with you.»

«I sense that, Tony.»

«Isn`t it so,” said Philip, «that people fear contact with the

afflicted because they wish not to be confronted with the death that

awaits each of them?»

Julius nodded. «That sounds important, Philip. Let`s

examine it here.» If anyone but Philip had said this, Julius would