Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

you`re going to hate my saying this, but perhaps it`s not a bad thing for you that

Philip is here. Maybe there is some work, some healing that can be done. For both

of you.»

«You`re right, Julius—Ido hate your saying that, and, even more, I hate

having to look at this insect again. And here he is in my own cozy group. I feel

defiled.»

Julius`s head spun. Too many thoughts clamored for his attention. How

much could Philip bear? Evenhe had to have a breaking point. How much longer

before he would walk out of the room, never to return? And, as he imagined

Philip`s departure, he contemplated its consequences—on Philip but primarily on

Pam: she mattered far more to him. Pam was a great–souled lady, and he was

committed to helping her find a better future. Would she be well served by

Philip`s departure? Perhaps she`d have some measure of revenge—but what a

pyrrhic victory! If I could find a way, Julius thought, to help Pam reach

forgiveness for Philip, it would heal her—and perhaps Philip as well.

Julius almost flinched when the buzzwordforgiveness passed through his

mind. Of all the various recent movements swirling through the field of therapy,

the hullabaloo around «forgiveness» annoyed him the most. He, like every

experienced therapist, hadalways worked with patients who could not let things

go, who nurtured grudges, who could find no peace—and he hadalways used a

wide variety of methods to help his patients «forgive»—that is, detach from their

anger and resentment. In fact, every experienced therapist had an arsenal of

«letting–go» techniques they often used in therapy. But the simplistic and canny

«forgiveness» industry had magnified, elevated, and marketed this one single

aspect of therapy into the whole shebang and presented it as though it were

something entirely novel. And the ploy had garnered respectability by implicitly

melding with the current social and political forgiveness climate addressing a

range of such offenses as genocide, slavery, and colonial exploitation. Even the

Pope had recently begged forgiveness for the Crusaders` thirteenth–century

sacking of Constantinople.

And if Philip bolted, how wouldhe, as the group therapist, feel? Julius was

resolved not to abandon Philip, yet it was difficult to locate any compassion

toward him. Forty years before, as a young student, he had heard a lecture by

Erich Fromm citing Terence`s epigram written over two thousand years ago: «I

am human, and nothing human is alien to me.» Fromm had stressed that the good

therapist had to be willing to enter into his own darkness and identify with all of

the patient`s fantasies and impulses. Julius tried that on. So, Philip had made a list

of women he had laid? Hadn`t he done that himself when he was younger? Sure

he had. And so had many men with whom he`d discussed this matter.

And he reminded himself that he had a responsibility to Philip—and to

Philip`s future clients. He had invited Philip to become a patient and a student.

Like it or not, Philip was going to be seeing many clients in the future, and to

forsake him now was bad therapy, bad teaching, bad modeling—and immoral to

boot.

With these considerations in mind, Julius pondered what to say. He began

to formulate a statement beginning with his familiar,I have a real dilemma: on the

one hand...and on the other ...But this moment was too loaded for any stock

tactics. Finally, he said, «Philip, in your responses to Pam today you referred to

yourself in the third person: you didn`t say ‘I,` you said, ‘he.` You said, ‘Hedidn`t

give her that list.` I wonder, could you have been implying that you`re a different

person now from the man you were then?»

Philip opened his eyes and faced Julius. A rare locking of gazes. Was there

gratitude in that gaze?

«It`s been known for a long time,” Philip said, «that the cells of the body

age, die, and are replaced at regular intervals. Until a few years ago it was thought

that it was only the brain cells that persisted all of one`s life—and, of course, in

women, the ova. But research has now demonstrated that neural cells, too, die,

and new neurons are continuously being generated, including the cells forming

the architecture of my cerebral cortex, my mind. I think it can fairly be said that

not one cell in me now existed in the man bearing my name fifteen years ago.»

«So, Judge, it wasn`t me,” Tony snarled. «Honest. Ah ain`t guilty;

somebody else, some other brain cells, did the job before ah even got there.»

«Hey, that`s not fair, Tony,” said Rebecca. «All of us want to support Pam,

but there`s got to be a better way than ‘let`s get Philip.` What do you want him to

do?»

«Shit, for starters how about a simple ‘I`m sorry.`” Tony turned to Philip.

«How hard would that be? Would it break your cheeks to say that?»

«I got something to say to both of you,” said Stuart. «You first, Philip. I

keep current on the latest in brain research, and I want to say your facts about cell

regeneration are off. There is some recent research showing that bone marrow

stem cells transplanted in another individual can end up as neurons in some select

areas of the brain, for example, the hippocampus and the Purkinje cells of the

cerebellum, but there isno evidence of new neurons forming in the cerebral

cortex.»

«I stand corrected,” said Philip. «I`d appreciate some literature references,

please. Could you e–mail them?» Philip drew a card out of his wallet and handed

it to Stuart, who pocketed the card without examining it.

«And, Tony,” Stuart continued, «you know I`m not against you. I enjoy

your no–bullshit directness and irreverence, but I agree with Rebecca: I think

you`re being too rough—and a little unreal. When I first joined the group you

were doing weekend jail equivalent time on the highway cleanup patrols for a

sexual assault charge.»

«No, it was battery. The sexual assault charge was bullshit, and Lizzy

dropped it. And the battery charge was phony, too. But your point?»

«My point was that I never heardyou talk about being sorry, and no one

here got on your case. In fact I saw the opposite—I saw lots of support. Hell,

more than support; all the women, even you,” Stuart turned to Pam, «got turned

on by your...your what? Your lawlessness! I remember Pam and Bonnie dropping

off sandwiches for you once when you were doing trash pickup duty on Highway

101. I remember Gill and me talking about not being able to compete with

your...your...what was it?»

«Jungle nature,” said Gill.

«Yeah.» Tony smirked. «Jungle creature. Primitive man. That was pretty

cool.»

«So, how about giving Philip a break. Jungle man is okay for you but not

for him. Let`s hear his side of it. I feel awful about what Pam went through, but

let`s slow down, not rush to lynch. Fifteen years ago—that`s a long time.»

«Well,” said Tony, «I`m not into fifteen years ago; I`m into now.» Tony

turned to Philip. «Like last week when you...Philip—damn, it`s hard to talk when

you won`t make eye contact. Drives me fucking crazy! You claimed that it made

no difference to you that Rebecca was interested in you—that she was

uh...flirting...I can`t remember that goddamned word.»

«Preening!» said Bonnie.

Rebecca clutched her head in both hands. «I can`t believe this; I cannot

believe we`restill talking about this. Isn`t there a statute of limitations to the

ghastly grisly crime of taking my hair down? How long is this going to go on?»

«As long as it takes,” responded Tony, who turned back to Philip. «But

what about my question, Philip? You put yourself forward as a monk, as someone

beyond all this, too pure to be interested in women, even very attractive

women...”

«Do you see now,” Philip addressed Julius, not Tony, «why I was reluctant

to enter the group?»

«You anticipated this?»

«It is a true and tested equation,” replied Philip, «that the less I have to do

with people, the happier I am. When I tried livingin life, I was drawn into

agitation. To stay out of life, to want nothing and to expect nothing, to keep

myself engaged in elevated contemplative pursuits—that is the path, my only

path, to peace.»

«Well and good, Philip,” responded Julius, «but,if you`re going to be in a

group or lead groups or try to help clients work on their relationships with others,

you absolutely cannot avoid entering into relationships with them.»

Julius noted Pam slowly shaking her head in bewilderment. «What`s

happening here? This is crazy–making. Philip here? Rebecca flirting with him?

Philip leading groups, seeing clients? What`s going on?»

«Fair enough; let`s fill Pam in,” said Julius.

«Stuart, that`s your cue,” said Bonnie.

«I`ll give it a crack,” said Stuart. «Well, in the two months you were away,

Pam—”

Julius interrupted. «This time, why don`t you just get us started, Stuart. It`s

unfair for us to ask you to do all the work.»

«Right. But, you know, it`s not work—I like to give overviews.» Seeing

Julius about to interrupt, he quickly said, «Okay, I`ll just say one thing and stop.

When you left, Pam, it was a downer to me. I felt we had failed you, that we were

not good enough or resourceful enough to help you with your crisis. I didn`t like

that you had to turn elsewhere—to India—for help. Next.»

Bonnie quickly said, «The giant issue here was Julius`s announcement

about his illness. You know all about this, Pam?»

«Yeah.» Pam nodded gravely. «Julius told me when I phoned last weekend

to tell him I was back.»

«Actually,” Gill said, «I want to amend that—no offense, Bonnie—but

Julius didn`t tell us. What happened was that we went out for coffee after Philip`s

first meeting, andhe told us since Julius had told him in an individual meeting.

Julius was pretty pissed at Philip`s preempting him. Next.»

«Philip`s been here about five sessions. He`s in training to be a therapist,”

said Rebecca, «and, as I understand it, Julius was his therapist many years ago.»

Tony said, «We`ve been talking about Julius`s...uh...condition and uh...”

«You meancancer . That`s a shocking word, I know,” said Julius, «but it`s

best to look it in the face and say it.»

«About Julius`scancer. You`re one tough old bird, Julius—I gotta hand it to

you.» Tony went on, «So we talked about Julius`s cancer and how hard it was to

talk about other things that were small in comparison.»

Everyone had spoken but Philip, who now said, «Julius, it would be okay if

you were to tell the group about why I first came to see you.»

«I`ll help, Philip, but it would be better, when you`re ready, to describe that

yourself.»

Philip nodded.

When it became clear that Philip was not going to continue, Stuart said,

«Okay, back to me—a second round?»

Looking around at nodding heads, Stuart continued, «In one meeting

Bonnie had some reactions to Rebecca`s coming on to Philip.» Stuart stopped,

looked at Rebecca, and inserted, «Rebecca`sallegedly coming on to him. Bonnie

did some work on her feelings about her self–image, her sense of being

unattractive.»

«And clumsiness and inability to compete with women like you, Pam, and

Rebecca,” said Bonnie.

Rebecca said, «While you were away Philip made a lot of constructive

comments.»

«But revealed nothing about himself,” said Tony.

«One last thing: Gill had a serious confrontation with his wife—even

considered walking out,” said Stuart.

«Don`t give me too much credit—I waffled. That resolve lasted about four

hours,” said Gill.

«A good review,” said Julius, looking at his watch. «Before we quit, let me

ask you, Pam, how are you handling this—you feel more on board?»

«Still unreal. I`m trying to hang in, but I`m glad to stop. This is all I can

deal with today,” said Pam, gathering up her things.

«I`ve got to say something,” said Bonnie. «I`m frightened. You all know I

love this group, and I feel it`s ready to detonate and blow apart. Will we all be

back? You, Pam? You, Philip? You guys coming back?»

«A straight question,” Philip quickly responded. «I`ll respond in kind.

Julius invited me come to the group for six months, and I agreed. I also have his

commitment for supervisory credit. I plan to pay my bill and honor my contract.

I`m not leaving.»

«And you, Pam?» said Bonnie.

Pam stood. «This is all I can deal with today.»

As the members left, Julius heard some comments about going out for

coffee. How would that work? he wondered. Would Philip be invited? He had

often told the members that extragroup meetings could be divisive unless

everyone was included. Then he noticed that Philip and Pam were heading toward

the door on a collision trajectory. This should be interesting, he thought. Philip

suddenly took note of it and, realizing that the doorway was too small for two,

stopped and softly muttered «please» and stepped back to allow Pam to go

through first. She strode out as if he were invisible.

22

Women,

Passion,

Sex

_________________________

Sexdoes not hesitate to

intrude with its trash,

and to interfere with the

negotiations of statesmen

and the investigations of

the learned. Every day it

destroys the most

valuable relationships.

Indeed it robs of all

conscience those who were

previously honorable and

upright.

_________________________

After his mother, the next most pervasive female presence in Arthur`s life was a

querulous seamstress named Caroline Marquet. Few biographical accounts of

Schopenhauer fail to spotlight their 1823 midday encounter, which took place on

a dimly lit Berlin stairway outside Arthur`s flat when he was thirty–five and

Caroline forty–five.

On that day Caroline Marquet, living in the adjoining flat, entertained three

friends. Irritated by the noisy chattering, Arthur flung open his door, accused the

four women of violating his privacy since the anteroom where they stood talking

was technically a part of his flat, and sternly ordered them to leave. When

Caroline refused, Arthur physically forced her, kicking and screaming, from the

anteroom and down the stairs. When she impertinently climbed back up the stairs

in defiance, he again removed her, this time more forcefully.

Caroline sued him, claiming that she was pushed down the stairs and

suffered grievous injury resulting in trembling and partial paralysis. Arthur was

highly threatened by the lawsuit: he knew that he was unlikely ever to earn money