Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

without you.»

«Kosher? Philip saidthat ?» asked Julius.

«Well, no,” said Rebecca, «come to think of it,kosher was my term, not his. But

that was his meaning, and I told him that we often had a postgroup session at the coffee

shop and that you`ve never raised objections about it except to insist that we debrief

everyone who wasn`t there in the next meeting so that there be no secrets.»

It was good that Rebecca and Gill gave Julius time to calm himself. His mind

churned with negativity:That ungrateful prick, that undercutting bastard. I try to do

something for him, and this is what I get for it—no good deed goes unpunished. And I can

just imagine how little he told the group about himself and why he had been in therapy

with me in the first place.... I`d lay big money that he conveniently forgot to tell the group

that he had screwed about a thousand women without an ounce of care or compassion

for a single one of them.

But he kept all these thoughts to himself and gradually cleansed his mind of rancor

by considering the events following the last meeting. He realized thatof course the group

would have pressured Philip to attend a postgroup coffee and that Philip would have been

swayed by the group pressure to attend—indeed he himself was at fault for not having

informed Philip about these periodic postgroup get–togethers. And,of course, the group

would have questioned Philip about why he was in therapy—Gill was right—the group

never failed to pose this question to a new member, andof course Philip would have to

reveal the story of their unusual history and subsequent contract for therapy—what

choice did he have? As for his distributing medical information on malignant

melanoma—that was Philip`s own idea, no doubt his way of ingratiating himself with the

group.

Julius felt wobbly, couldn`t pull off a smile, but braced himself and continued.

«Well, I`ll do my best to talk about this. Rebecca, let me take a good look at that sheet.»

Julius quickly scanned it. «These medical facts seem accurate so I won`t repeat them, but

I`ll just fill you in on my experience. It started with my doctor spotting an unusual mole

on my back, which a biopsy confirmed was a malignant melanoma. Of course that`s why

I canceled the group—had a rough couple of weeks, really rough, letting it sink in.»

Julius`s voice quavered. «As you see, it`s still rough.» He paused, took a deep breath, and

continued. «My doctors can`t predict my future, but what is important here is they feel

strongly that I have at least a year of good health ahead. So this group will be open for

business as usual for the twelve months. No, wait, let me put it this way: health

permitting, I commit myself to meet with you for one more year, at which time the group

will terminate. Sorry to be clumsy about it, but I`ve had no practice at this.»

«Julius, is this seriously life threatening?» asked Bonnie. «Philip`s Internet

information...all these statistics based on stages of the melanoma.»

«Straight question and the straight answer is ‘yes`—definitely life threatening. The

chances are good that this thing will get me in the future. I know that wasn`t an easy

question to ask, but I appreciate your straightforwardness, Bonnie, because I`m like most

people with major illness—I hate everyone to be pussyfooting around. That would just

isolate and frighten me. I`ve got to get used to my new reality. I don`t like it, but life as a

healthy carefree person—well,that life is definitely coming to an end.»

«I`m thinking of what Philip said to Gill last week. I wonder—is there something

of value in there for you, Julius? asked Rebecca. «I`m not sure if it was in the coffee shop

or here in the group—but it had to do with defining yourself or your life by your

attachments. Do I have it right, Philip?»

«When I spoke to Gill last week,” said Philip, speaking in a measured tone and

avoiding eye contact, «I pointed out that the more attachments one has, the more

burdensome life becomes and the more suffering one experiences when one is separated

from these attachments. Schopenhauer and Buddhism both hold that one must release

oneself from attachments and—”

«I don`t think that is helpful to me,” interrupted Julius, «and I`m also not sure if

this is where this meeting should be going.» He noted a quick pregnant glance passing

between Rebecca and Gill but continued, «I come in on that in the opposite way:

attachments, and plenty of them, are the indispensable ingredients of a full life, and to

avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe for being only partially

alive. I don`t mean to cut you off, Rebecca, but I think it more to the point to go back to

your reactions, everyone`s reactions, to the announcement I`ve made. Obviously, learning

of my cancer has got to stir up strong feelings. I`ve known many of you for a long time.»

Julius stopped talking and looked around at his patients.

Tony, who had been slumped in his chair, stirred himself. «Well, I had a jolt when

you said earlier that what should be important to us was how long you could continue to

lead this group—that comment got under my skin, thick–skinned as I`ve been accused of

being. Now, I don`t deny that crossed my mind, but, Julius, I`m mostly upset at what this

means foryou. ...I mean, let`s face it, you`ve been pretty, I mean...really,important to

me, helped me get over some really bad stuff.... I mean, is there something I, we, can do

for you? This has gotta be terrible for you.»

«Ditto for me,” said Gill, and all the others (save Philip) joined in assent.

«I`m going to respond, Tony, but first say how touched I am and how impossible it

would have been for you, a couple of years ago, to be so direct and to reach out so

generously. But to answer your question, it`s been terrible. My feelings come in waves. I

hit bottom the first couple of weeks when I canceled the group. Did a lot of nonstop

talking to my friends, my whole support network. Right now, at this moment, I`m doing

better. You get used to everything, even mortal illness. Last night the refrain ‘Life is just

one goddamned loss after another` kept passing through my mind.»

Julius stopped. No one spoke. Everyone stared at the floor. Julius added, «I want to

deal with it openly...willing to discuss everything...I won`t shy away from

anything...but unless you ask something specific, I`m talked out now plus I don`t feel I

need the whole meeting to be given to me today. I want to say I have energy to work with

you here in my usual way. In fact it`s important to me that we go on as we always have.»

After a short silence Bonnie said, «I`ll be honest, Julius, there`s something I could

work on, but I don`t know...my problems seem insignificant compared to what you`re

going through.»

Gill looked up and added, «Me, too. My stuff—whether or not I learn to talk to my

wife, stay with her, or leave the sinking ship—all that seems trivial in comparison.»

Philip took that as his cue. «Spinoza was fond of using a Latin phrase,sub specie

aeternitatis, meaning ‘from the aspect of eternity.` He suggested that disturbing quotidian

events become less unsettling if they are viewed from the aspect of eternity. I believe that

concept may be an underappreciated tool in psychotherapy. Perhaps,” and here Philip

turned and addressed Julius directly, «it may offer a form of solace to even the kind of

serious assault you`re facing.»

«I can see you`re trying to offer me something, Philip, and I appreciate that. But

right now the idea of taking a cosmic–eye view of life is the wrong flavor of medicine.

Let me tell you why. Last night I didn`t sleep well and got to feeling sad for not having

appreciated what I had at the very moment it was happening. When I was young, I always

regarded the present as a prelude to something better that was going to occur. And then,

the years passed, I suddenly found myself doing the opposite—I was bathing myself in

nostalgia. What I`ve not done enough of is to treasure each moment, and that`s the

problem with your solution of detachment. I think it faces life through the wrong end of

the telescope.»

«I gotta come in here, Julius,” said Gill, «with an observation: I don`t think there`s

much chance you`re going to accept anything that Philip says.»

«An observation I`ll always pay attention to, Gill. But that`s an opinion. Where`s

the observation?»

«Well, the observation is that you`re just not respecting anything he offers.»

«I know what Julius would say about that, Gill,” said Rebecca. «It`s still not an

observation; it`s a guess about his feelings. What I observe»—she turned to Julius—«is

that this is the first time you and Philip have addressed one another even halfway directly

and that you have interrupted Philip a few times today, something I never see you do with

anyone else.»

«TouchГ©, Rebecca,” answered Julius. «Right on—a direct and accurate

observation.»

«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not getting the picture at all. You and Philip—what`s

going on?—I don`t get it. Is he right when he says you phoned him out of the blue?»

Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, «Yes, I can see

how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my

memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death

sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question

whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged

around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my

work, I began thinking of patients I`d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected

anyone`s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some

of my old patients. Philip was the first person, and so far the only one, I reached.»

«And why select Philip?» asked Tony.

«That`s the sixty–four–thousand–dollar question—or maybe that`s dated—is it the

sixty–four–million–dollar question these days? Short answer: I`m not sure. I`ve wondered

about it a lot. It wasn`t smart of me because if I wanted reassurance of my worth, there

are a lot of better candidates. Try as hard as I did for a full three years, I didn`t help

Philip. Maybe I was hoping that he would report some delayed effect of therapy—some

patients report such a thing. But it didn`t turn out that way for him. Maybe I was being

masochistic—wanted to rub my nose in it. Maybe I chose my biggest failure in order to

give myself a second chance. I admit it—I frankly don`t know my motives. And then

during the course of our discussion Philip told me of his career change and asked if I

would be willing to be his supervisor. Philip,” Julius turned to face Philip, «I assume you

filled the group in on this?»

«I provided the necessary details.»

«Can you be a little more cryptic?»

Philip looked away, the rest of the group looked uncomfortable, and after a long

silence Julius said, «I apologize for the sarcasm, Philip, but can you see where your

answer left me?»

«As I said, I provided the necessary details to the others,” Philip said.

Bonnie turned to face Julius: «I`ll be upfront. This feels unpleasant, and I`m

rescuing you. I don`t think you need to be hassled today—I think you need to be taken

care of. Please, what can we do for you, today?»

«Thanks, Bonnie, you`re right, I am shaky today—your question`s a lovely one,

but I`m not sure I can answer it. I`ll tell you all a big secret: there have been times I`ve

entered this room feeling bad because of some personal issues and left feeling better just

as a result of being a part of this terrific group. So maybe that`s the answer to your

question. The best thing for me is simply for all of you to use the group and not let my

situation bring us to a total stop.»

After a short silence Tony said, «Tough assignment with what`s gone down today.»

«Right,” said Gill. «It`ll feel awkward to talk about anything else.»

«These are the times I miss Pam,” said Bonnie. «She was the one who always knew

what to do—no matter how awkward the situation.»

«Funny, I was thinking about her earlier too,” said Julius.

«It must be telepathy,” said Rebecca. «Just a minute ago Pam went through my

mind also. It was when Julius talked about successes and failures.» She turned to Julius:

«I know she was your favorite child in our family here—and that`s not a question—it`s so

obvious. What I`m wondering is whether you feel like you failed with her—you know,

her taking a couple of months off to seek another kind of therapy because we couldn`t

help her. That can`t be great for your self–esteem.»

Julius gestured toward Philip. «Maybe you should fill him in.»

«Pam`s a real force here,” Rebecca said to Philip, who did not meet her eyes. «Both

her marriage and a relationship with a lover fell apart. She decided to leave her marriage

but then the lover opted not to leave his wife. She got upset with both men and obsessed

about them day and night. Try as we could, we never found a way to help her. In

desperation she took off for India to seek help from a famous guru at a Buddhist

meditation retreat.»

Philip made no response.

Rebecca turned back to face Julius. «So how did you feel about her taking off?»

«You know, up to about fifteen years ago I would have been very uptight—more

than that, I might even have taken a strong stand against it and insisted that her search for

another form of enlightenment was just resistance to change. I`ve changed. Now I feel I

need all the help I can get. And I`ve found that participation in some other mode of

growth, even flaky stuff, can often open up new areas for our therapeutic work. And I

sure hope that will be true for Pam.»

«It may have been not a flaky but an excellent choice for her,” said Philip.

«Schopenhauer felt positive about Eastern meditative practice and its emphasis on mind

clearing, on seeing through illusion, and its approach to relieving suffering by teaching

the art of letting go of attachments. In fact, he was the first to introduce Eastern thought

into Western philosophy.»

Philip`s comment was made to no one in particular, and no one responded. Julius

felt irritated about hearing Schopenhauer`s name so often but kept it to himself as he

noted several members nodding in appreciation of Philip`s remarks.

After a brief silence Stuart commented, «Shouldn`t we go back to where we were a

few minutes ago when Julius said that what would be best for him would be for us to get