Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl. The Opal Deception

Holly took full advantage of the confusion, skipping lithely up the first three rungs of the metal structure. She clipped the tele-pod to her belt so that it pointed downwards like a rear gun. Not much protection, but better than nothing.

In moments, she had caught up with Artemis. The human boy’s breath was ragged and his progress was slow. Blood dripped from the wound on his ankle. Holly could easily have passed him, but instead she hooked an arm through the scaffold bars and checked on the troll situation. Just as well. One relatively little guy was scaling the bars with the agility of a mountain gorilla. His immature tusks barely jutted beyond his lips, but those tusks were sharp and venom gathered in beads along the tips. Holly turned the screen on him, and he released his grip to shield his scorched eyes. An elf would have been smart enough to hang on with one hand and use the other forearm to shield the eyes, but trolls are not much further up the IQ scale than stink worms, and they act almost completely on instinct.

The little troll tumbled back to earth, landing on the shaggy, writhing carpet below. He was instantly dragged into the brawl. Holly returned to the climb, feeling the tele-pod knock against her back. Artemis’s progress was painfully slow, and in less than a minute she was at Artemis’s shoulder.

‘Are you all right?’

Artemis nodded, tight-lipped. But his eyes were wide, on the verge of panic. Holly had seen that look before, on the faces of battle-stressed LEP officers. She needed to get the Mud Boy to safety before he lost his reason.

‘Come on now, Artemis. Just a few more steps. We’re going to make it.’

Artemis closed his eyes for five seconds, breathing deeply through his nose.

When he opened them again, they shone with a new resolve. ‘Very well, Captain. I’m ready.’

Artemis reached above him for the next bar, hauling himself forty centimetres closer to salvation. Holly followed, urging him on like a drill sergeant.

It took a further minute to reach the roof itself. By this time the trolls had remembered what they were chasing and began to scale the scaffolding. Holly dragged Artemis on to the slanted roof, and they scampered on all fours towards its highest point. The plaster was white and unmarked; in the low light it seemed as though they were walking across a field of snow.

Artemis paused. The sight had awoken a vague memory.

‘Snow,’ he said uncertainly. ‘I remember something…’

Holly caught his shoulder, dragging him forward. ‘Yes, Artemis. The Arctic, remember? Later, we’ll discuss it at great length, when there are no trolls trying to eat us.’

Artemis snapped back to the present. ‘Very well. Good tactics.’

The temple roof sloped upwards at a forty-degree angle towards the crystal orb that was the fake sun. The pair crawled as quickly as Artemis’s exhausted limbs would allow. A ragged trail of blood marked their path across the white plaster. The scaffold shook and banged against the roof as the trolls climbed ever closer.

Holly straddled the roof’s apex, reaching up to the crystal sun. The surface was smooth beneath her fingers.

‘D’Arvit!’ she swore. ‘I can’t find the power port. There should be an external socket.’

Artemis crawled round to the other side. He was not particularly afraid of heights, but even so he tried not to look down. One did not have to suffer from vertigo to be worried by a fifteen-metre drop and a pack of ravenous trolls. He stretched upwards, probing the globe with the fingers of one hand. His index finger found a small indent.

‘I’ve got something,’ he announced.

Holly scooted round to his side, examining the hole.

‘Good,’ she said. ‘An external power port. Power cells have uniform connection points, so the cuffs’ cells should clip right on.’

She fumbled the cuffs from her pocket, popping the cell covers. The cells themselves were about the size of credit cards, and glowed bright blue along their length.

Holly stood up on the razor-edge rooftop, balancing nimbly on her toes. The trolls were swarming over the lip of the roof now. Advancing like the hounds of hell. The white roof plaster was blanketed by the black, brown and ginger of troll fur. Their howls and stink preceded them as they closed in on Holly and Artemis.

Holly waited until they were all over the lip, then she slid the power cells into the globe’s socket. The globe buzzed, vibrated into life, then flashed once: a blinding wall of light. For a moment, the entire exhibit glowed brilliant white, then the globe faded again with a high-pitched whine.

The trolls rolled like balls on a tilted pool table. Some tumbled over the edge of the roof, but most collected on the lip, where they lay, whining and scratching their faces.

Artemis closed his eyes to accelerate the return of his night vision. ‘I had hoped the cell would power the sun for longer. It seems like a lot of effort for such a brief reprieve.’

Holly pulled out the dead cells, tossing them aside. ‘I suppose a globe like this needs a lot of juice.’

Artemis blinked then sat comfortably on the roof, clasping his knees.

‘Still. We have some time. It can take nocturnal creatures up to fifteen minutes to recover their orientation following exposure to bright light.’

Holly sat beside him. ‘Fascinating. You’re very calm all of a sudden.’

‘I have no choice,’ said Artemis simply. ‘I have analysed the situation and concluded that there is no way for us to escape. We are on top of a ridiculous model of the Temple of Artemis, surrounded by temporarily blinded trolls. As soon as they recover, they will lope up here and devour us. We have perhaps a quarter of an hour to live, and I have no intention of spending it in hysterics for Opal Koboi’s amusement.’

Holly looked up, searching the hemisphere for cameras. At least a dozen tell-tale red lights winked in the darkness. Opal would be able to watch her revenge from every angle.

Artemis was right. Opal would be tickled pink if they fell to pieces for the cameras. She would probably replay the video to cheer herself up when being princess of the world pot to be too stressful.

Holly drew back her arm, sending the spent power cells skidding across the roof.

It seemed then that this was it. She felt more frustrated than scared. Julius’s final order had been to save Artemis, and she hadn’t managed to accomplish even that.

‘I’m sorry you don’t remember Julius,’ she said. ‘You two argued a lot, but behind it all he admired you. It was Butler he really liked, though. Those two were on the same wavelength. Two old soldiers.’

Below them, the trolls were gathering themselves. Blinking away the stars in their eyes.

Artemis slapped some of the dust from his trousers.

‘I do remember, Holly. I remember it all. Especially you. It’s a real comfort to have you here.’

Holly was surprised — shocked even. More by Artemis’s tone than by what he had actually said, though that was surprising too. She had never heard Artemis sound so warm, so sincere. Usually emotional displays were difficult for the boy, and he stumbled through them awkwardly. This wasn’t like him at all.

‘That’s very nice, Artemis,’ she said after a moment’s consideration. ‘But you don’t have to pretend for me.’

Artemis was puzzled. ‘How did you know? I thought I portrayed the emotions perfectly.’

Holly looked down at the massing trolls. They were advancing warily up the slope, heads down in case of a second flash.

‘Nobody’s that perfect. That’s how I knew.’

The trolls were hurrying now, swinging hairy forearms forward to increase their momentum. As their confidence returned, so did their voices. Howls rose to the roof, bouncing back off the metal structure. Artemis drew his knees closer to his chin. The end. All over. Inconceivable that he should die in this way, when there was so much still to be done.

The howling made it hard to concentrate. The smell didn’t help either.

Holly gripped his shoulder. ‘Close your eyes, Artemis. You won’t feel a thing.’

But Artemis did not close his eyes. Instead he cast his gaze upwards. Above ground, where his parents were waiting to hear from him. Parents who never had the chance to be truly proud of him.

He opened his mouth to whisper a goodbye, but what he saw over his head choked the words in his throat.

‘That proves it,’ he said. ‘This must be a hallucination.’

Holly looked upwards. A section of the hemisphere’s panel had been removed, and a rope was being lowered towards the temple roof. Swinging from the rope was what appeared to be a naked and extremely hairy rear end.

‘I don’t believe it!’ Holly exclaimed, jumping to her feet. ‘You took your sweet time getting here!’

She seemed to be conversing with a posterior. And then, even more amazingly, the posterior appeared to answer.

‘I love you too, Holly. Now close anything that’s open, because I’m about to overload these trolls’ senses.’

For a moment, Holly’s face was blank, then realization widened her eyes and sucked the blood from her cheeks. She grabbed Artemis by the shoulders.

‘Lie flat, with your hands over your ears. Shut your eyes and mouth. And whatever you do, don’t breathe in.’

Artemis lay on the roof. ‘Tell me there’s a creature on the other end of that posterior.’

‘There is,’ confirmed Holly. ‘But it’s the posterior we have to worry about.’

The trolls were metres away by this point. Close enough to see the red in their eyes and the years of dirt caked in every dreadlock.

Overhead, Mulch Diggums (for, of course, it was he) released a gentle squib of wind from his backside. Just enough to propel him in a gentle circle on the end of his rope. The circular motion was necessary to ensure an even spread of the gas he intended to release. Once he had completed three revolutions, he bore down internally and let fly with every bubble of gas in his bloated stomach.

Because trolls are by nature tunnel-dwelling creatures, they are guided as much by their sense of smell as by their night vision. A blinded troll can often survive for years, navigating his way to food and water supplies by smell alone.

Mulch’s sudden gaseous recyclings sent a million conflicting scent messages to each troll’s brain. The smell was bad enough, and the wind was sufficient to blow back the trolls’ dreadlocks, but the combination of scents inside the dwarf gas — including clay, vegetation, insect life and anything else Mulch had eaten over the past few days — was enough to short out the trolls’ entire nervous systems. They collapsed to their knees, clasping their poor, aching heads in taloned hands. One was so close to Artemis and Holly that one shaggy forearm rested across the LEP Captain’s back.

Holly wriggled out from under the limb. ‘Let’s go,’ she said, pulling Artemis to his feet. ‘The gas won’t put the trolls out for any longer than the light.’

Overhead, Mulch’s revolutions were slowing.

‘I thank you,’ he said, with a theatrical bow, which is not easy on a rope. The dwarf scampered up the rope, gripping with fingers and toes, then lowered it to Artemis and Holly.

‘Jump on,’ he said. ‘Quickly.’

Artemis tested the rope sceptically. ‘Surely that strange creature is too small to haul both of us all the way up there.’

Holly put her foot in a loop at the rope’s end. ‘True, but he’s not alone.’

Artemis squinted at the hemisphere’s missing panel. Another figure had appeared in the gap. The figure’s features were in deep shadow, but the silhouette was unmistakable. ‘Butler!’ he said through his smile. ‘You’re here.’

And suddenly, in spite of everything, Artemis felt completely safe.

‘Hurry up, Artemis,’ called his bodyguard. ‘We don’t have a second to waste.’

Artemis stepped on to the rope beside Holly, and Butler quickly pulled them both out of danger.

‘Well,’ said Holly, her face inches from his own, ‘we survived. Does that mean we’re friends now? Bonded by trauma?’

Artemis frowned. Friends? Did he have room in his life for a friend? Then again, maybe he had no choice in the matter.

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Though I’ve had little experience in this area, so I may have to read up on it.’

Holly rolled her eyes. ‘Friendship is not a science, Mud Boy. Forget about your massive brain for one minute. Just do what you feel is right.’

Artemis couldn’t believe what he was about to say. Perhaps the thrill of survival was affecting his judgement. ‘I feel that I shouldn’t be paid to help a friend. Keep your fairy gold. Opal Koboi has to be stopped.’

Holly smiled with genuine warmth for the first time since the commander’s death, but there was a hint of steel in there too.

‘With the four of us on her tail, she doesn’t stand a chance.’

Chapter 8: Some Intelligent Conversation

Mulch had left the stolen LEP shuttle at the theme-park gate. It had been a simple matter for Butler to disable the park’s cameras and remove a half-rotted section from the hemisphere’s roof in order to effect the rescue.

When they got back to the shuttle, Holly powered up the engines and ran a systems check.

‘What on earth were you doing, Mulch?’ she asked, amazed by the readings the computer was displaying. ‘The computer says you came all the way down here in first gear.’

‘There are gears?’ said the dwarf. ‘I thought this crate was automatic’

‘Some jockeys prefer gears. Old-fashioned, I know, but more control around the bends. And another thing, you didn’t have to do that gas thing on the rope. There are plenty of stun grenades in the weapons locker.’

‘This thing has a locker too? Gears and lockers. Well I never.’

Butler was giving Artemis a field physical.

‘You seem all right,’ he said, placing a massive palm over Artemis’s chest. ‘Holly fixed up your ribs, I see.’

Artemis was in a bit of a daze. Now that he was out of immediate danger, the day’s events were catching up on him. How many times could one person cheat death in twenty-four hours? Surely his odds were getting short.

‘Tell me, Butler,’ he whispered so the others wouldn’t hear, ‘is it all true? Or is it a hallucination?’ Even as the words left his lips, Artemis realized that it was an impossible question. If this was all a hallucination, then his bodyguard was a dream too.

‘I turned down gold, Butler,’ continued Artemis, still unable to accept his own grand gesture. ‘Me. I turned down gold.’

Butler smiled, much more the smile of a friend than of a bodyguard. ‘That doesn’t surprise me one bit. You were becoming quite charitable before the mind wipe.’

Artemis frowned. ‘Of course you would say that, if you were part of the hallucination.’

Mulch was eavesdropping on the conversation and couldn’t resist a comment.

‘Didn’t you smell what I shot those trolls with? You think you could hallucinate that, Mud Boy?’