Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl. The Opal Deception

Artemis turned on his mobile, speed dialling Butler’s phone. A recorded message told him that the customer he was trying to reach was not available. He declined the offer to try again, instead dialling Fowl Manor. An answering machine cut in after the third ring. Obviously his parents had already left for the spa in Westmeath.

‘Butler,’ said Artemis to the recorder. ‘You are well, I hope. I myself am fine. Listen very carefully to what I have to tell you, and believe me, every word is true…’

Artemis proceeded to summarize the day’s events into the phone. ’We will arrive at the manor shortly. I suggest we stock up on essentials and proceed to a safe house…‘

Holly tapped him on the shoulder.

‘We should get out of here. Koboi is no fool. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some back-up plan in case We survived.’

Artemis covered the mouthpiece with his palm.

‘I agree. That is what I would do. This Koboi person is probably on her way right now.’

As if on cue, one of the pod walls fizzled and dissolved. Opal Koboi was standing in the hole, flanked by Merv and Scant Brill. The pixie twins were armed with transparent plastic handguns. Merv’s gun barrel glowed gently in the aftermath of his wall-melting shot.

‘Murderer!’ shouted Holly, reaching for her gun. Merv casually put a blast close enough to her head to singe her eyebrows. Holly froze, raising her hands in submission.

‘Opal Koboi, I presume?’ said Artemis, although if Holly had not told him the whole story he never would have guessed that the female before him was anything but a human child. Her black hair was braided down her back, and she wore a checked pinafore of the type worn by a million schoolgirls around the world. Her ears were, of course, rounded.

‘Artemis Fowl, how nice to see you again. I do believe that in different circumstances we could have been allies.’

‘Circumstances change,’ said Artemis. ‘Perhaps we can still be allies.’

Holly chose to give Artemis the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was acting like a traitor to save their skins. Maybe.

Opal fluttered her long, curved eyelashes. ‘Tempting, but no. I feel the world is only large enough for one child genius. And now that I’m pretending to be a child, that genius would be me. Meet Belinda Zito, a girl with big plans.’

Holly reached out a hand towards her weapon but stopped when Merv levelled his transparent handgun at her.

‘I know you,’ she said to the Brill brothers. ‘The pixie twins. You were on TV.’

Scant couldn’t hold back a grin. ‘Yes, on Canto. It was the season’s highest-rated show. We’re thinking of writing a book, aren’t we, Merv? All about how we…’ ‘Finish each other’s sentences,’ completed Merv, though he knew it would cost him.

‘Shut up, you utter imbecile,’ snapped Opal, shooting Merv a poisonous glare.

‘Keep your weapon up and your mouth closed. This is not about you, it is about me.

Remember that, and I may not have to liquidize the pair of you.’

‘Yes, of course, Miss Koboi. It’s all about you.’

Opal almost purred. ‘That’s right. It’s always about me. I am the only important one here.’

Artemis casually slipped one hand into his pocket. The one holding the mobile phone that was still connected to Fowl Manor.

‘If I may, Miss Koboi. This delusion of self-importance is common among those recently awakened from comas. It is known as the Narcissus Syndrome. I wrote a paper on this precise subject for the Psychologists’ Yearbook, under the pseudonym of Sir E. Brum. You have spent so much time in your own company, so to speak, that everyone else has become unreal…’

Opal nodded at Merv. ‘For heaven’s sake, shut him up.’

Merv was glad to oblige, sinking a blue power slug into Artemis’s chest. The Irish boy dropped in mid-lecture.

‘What have you done?’ shouted Holly, dropping to Artemis’s side. She was relieved to find a steady heartbeat under the bloodied shirt.

‘Oh no,’ said Opal. ‘Not dead, merely painfully stunned. He is having quite a day, young Artemis.’

Holly glared at the small pixie, her pretty features distorted by grief and outrage.

‘What do you want from us? What else can you do?’

Opal’s face was the picture of innocence. ‘Don’t blame me. You have brought this on yourself. All I wanted to do was bring down fairy society as we know it, but oh no, you wouldn’t have it. Then I planned a couple of relatively simple assassinations, but you insisted on surviving. Kudos to you for evading the bio-bomb, by the way. I was watching the whole thing from twenty metres up in my stealth shuttle. Containing the solinium with an LEP helmet — good thinking. But now, because you have caused me so much trouble and exasperation, I think I will indulge myself a little.’

Holly swallowed the fear that was crawling up her throat.

‘Indulge yourself?’

‘Oh yes. I had a nasty little scenario planned for Foaly, something theatrical involving the Eleven Wonders. But now I have decided that you are worthy of it.’

Holly tensed herself. She should go for her gun, there was no other option. But she had to ask; it was fairy nature.

‘How nasty?’

Opal smiled, and evil was the only word for that expression.

‘Troll nasty,’ she said. ‘And one more thing. I am telling you this because you are about to die, and I want you to hate me as much as I hate you at the moment of your death.’ Opal paused, allowing the tension to build. ‘Do you remember the sweet spot on the bomb I strapped to Julius?’

Holly felt as though her heart was expanding to fill her chest. ‘I remember.’

Opal’s eyes flared. ‘Well, there wasn’t one.’

Holly went for her gun, and Merv hit her in the chest with a blue charge. She was asleep before she hit the ground.

Chapter 6: Troll Nasty

UNDER THE ATLANTIC OCEAN, TWO MILES OFF THE KERRY COAST, IRISH WATERS

Three thousand metres below the surface of the Atlantic, an LEP sub-shuttle was speeding through a minor volcanic trench towards the mouth of a subterranean river.

The river led to an LEP shuttle port, where the sub-shuttle’s passengers could transfer to a regular craft.

Three passengers and a pilot were aboard it. The passengers were a dwarf felon and the two Atlantis marshals who were escorting him. Mulch Diggums, the felon in question, was in high spirits for someone in prison clothes, the reason being, his appeal had finally come through, and his lawyer was optimistic that all charges against his client were about to be quashed on a technicality.

Mulch Diggums was a tunnel dwarf who had abandoned the mines in favour of a life of crime. He removed items of value from Mud People’s houses and sold them on the black market. In the past few years his destiny had become intertwined with those of Artemis Fowl and Holly Short, and he had played a key part in their adventures.

Inevitably, this rollercoaster lifestyle had come crashing down around him as the long arm of the LEP closed in.

Before he had been led away to serve the remainder of his sentence, Mulch

Diggums was permitted to say goodbye to his human friend. Artemis had given him two things. One was a note advising him to check the dates on the original search warrant for his cave. The other was a gold medallion, to be returned to Artemis in two years.

Apparently Artemis had wished to resurrect their partnership at that time. Mulch had studied the medallion a thousand times, searching for its secrets, until his constant rubbing wore down the gold plating, to reveal a computer disk beneath. Obviously,

Artemis had recorded a message to himself. A way to return the memories that the LEP had taken from him.

As soon as he had been transported to the Deeps maximum-security prison outside Atlantis, Mulch had put in a request for a counsel call. When his state-appointed attorney had grudgingly turned up, Mulch advised him to check the dates on the search warrant leading to his original arrest. Somehow, amazingly, the dates were wrong.

According to the LEP computer, Julius Root had searched his cave before obtaining a search warrant. This nullified both this and all later arrests. All that remained was a lengthy processing period and one last interview with the arresting officer, and Mulch would be a free dwarf.

Finally, the day had come. Mulch was being shuttled to Police Plaza for his meeting with Julius Root. Fairy law allowed Root one thirty-minute interview to squeeze some kind of confession from Mulch. All the dwarf had to do was stay quiet, and he would be eating vole curry in his favourite dwarf chop house by dinnertime.

Mulch closed his fist round the medallion. He had no doubt who was pulling the strings here. Somehow Artemis had hacked into the LEP computer and changed his records. The Mud Boy was setting him free.

One of the marshals, a slight elf with Atlantean gills, sucked a slobbery breath in through his neck, letting it out through his mouth.

‘Hey, Mulch,’ he wheezed. ‘What are you going to do when your appeal is turned down? Are you gonna crack up like a little girl? Or are you gonna take it real stoic, like a dwarf should?’

Mulch smiled, exposing his unfeasibly large number of teeth. ‘Don’t worry about me, fishboy. I’ll be eating one of your cousins by tonight.’

Generally the sight of Mulch’s tombstone teeth was enough to freeze any smart alec comments, but the marshal was not used to backchat from an inmate.

‘Keep at it with the big mouth, dwarf. I have plenty of rocks for you to chew, back in the Deeps.’

‘In your dreams, fishboy,’ retorted Mulch, enjoying the banter after months of kowtowing.

The officer rose to his feet. ‘It’s Vishby, the name is Vishby.’

‘Yes, fishboy, that’s what I said.’

The second officer, a water sprite with batlike wings folded behind his back, chuckled. ‘Leave him alone, Vishby. Don’t you know who you’re talking to? This here is Mulch Diggums. The most famous thief under the world.’

Mulch smiled, though fame is not a good thing when you’re a thief.

‘This guy has a whole list of genius moves to his credit.’

Mulch’s smile faded as he realized that he was about to be the butt of more jokes.

‘Yeah, so first he steals the Jules Rimet trophy from the humans and tries to sell it to an undercover LEP fairy.’

Vishby sat, rubbing his hands in glee. ‘You don’t say? What a brain! How does it fit inside that itty-bitty head?’

The sprite strutted along the shuttle’s aisle, delivering his lines like an actor. ‘So then he lifts some of the Artemis Fowl gold, and he lies low in Los Angeles. And do you want to know how he lies low?’

Mulch groaned.

‘Tell me,’ wheezed Vishby, his gills unable to suck in air fast enough.

‘He buys hisself a penthouse apartment, and starts building a collection of stolen Academy Awards.’

Vishby laughed until his gills flapped.

Mulch could take it no longer. He shouldn’t have to put up with this, he was virtually a free fairy, for goodness’ sake. ‘Hisself? Hisself? I think you’ve spent a bit too long underwater. The pressure is squashing your brain.’

‘My brain is squashed?’ said the sprite. ‘I’m not the one who spent a couple of centuries in prison. I’m not the one wearing manacles and a mouth ring.’

It was true. Mulch’s criminal career had not exactly been an unqualified success.

He had been caught more often than he’d escaped. The LEP were just too technologically advanced to evade. Maybe it was time to go straight, while he still had his looks.

Mulch shook the manacles that shackled him to a rail in the holding area. ‘I won’t be wearing these for long.’

Vishby opened his mouth to respond, then he paused. A plasma screen was flashing red on a wall panel. Red was urgent. There was an important message coming through. Vishby hooked an earphone over his ear, turning the screen away from Mulch.

As the message was delivered, his face lost every trace of levity.

Several moments later he tossed the headphones on to the console. ‘It looks like you’ll be wearing those chains for a bit longer than you thought.’

Mulch’s jaw strained against the steel mouth ring. ‘Why? What’s happened?’

Vishby scratched a strip of gill-rot on his neck. ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this, convict, but Commander Root has been murdered.’

Mulch couldn’t have been more shocked if they had connected him to the underworld grid.

‘Murdered? How?’

‘Explosion,’ said Vishby. ‘Another LEP officer is the prime suspect. Captain Holly Short. She’s missing, presumed dead, on the surface, but that hasn’t been confirmed.’

‘I’m not a bit surprised,’ said the water sprite. ‘Females are too temperamental for police work. They couldn’t even handle a simple transport job like this.’

Mulch was in shock. He felt as though his brain had snapped its moorings and was spinning inside his head. Holly murdered Julius? How could that be possible? It wasn’t possible, simple as that. There must be a mistake. And now Holly was missing, presumed dead. How could this be happening?

‘Anyways,’ continued Vishby, ‘we gotta turn this crate round and head back to Atlantis. Obviously your little hearing is being postponed indefinitely, until this entire mess gets sorted out.’

The water sprite slapped Mulch playfully on the cheek. ‘Tough break, dwarf. Maybe they’ll get the red tape untangled in a couple of years.’

Mulch barely felt the slap, though the words penetrated. A couple of years. Could he take a couple of years in the Deeps? Already his soul was crying out for the tunnels.

He needed to feel soft earth between his fingers. His insides needed real roughage to clear them out. And, of course, there was a chance that Holly was still alive and needed help. A friend. He had no option but to escape.

Julius dead. It couldn’t be true.

Mulch mentally leafed through his dwarf abilities to select the best tool for this escape. He had long since forfeited his magic by breaking most of the fairy Book’s commandments, but dwarfs had extraordinary gifts granted them by evolution. Some of these were common knowledge among the People, but dwarfs were a notoriously secretive race who believed that their survival depended on concealing these talents. It was well known that dwarfs excavated tunnels by ingesting the earth through their unhinged jaws, then ejecting the recycled dirt and air through the other end. Most fairies were aware that dwarfs could drink through their pores, and if they stopped drinking for a while then these pores were transformed into mini suction cups. Fewer People knew that dwarf spit was luminous and hardened when layered. And no one knew that a by-product of dwarf flatulence was a methane-producing bacterium called methanobre-vibacter smithь that prevented decompression sickness in deep-sea divers.

In fairness, dwarfs didn’t know this either. All they knew was that on the rare occasions when they found themselves accidentally burrowing into the open sea, the bends did not seem to affect them.