Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

The truck driver says, "Come on, man (да ладно тебе, да брось ты, парень), I was just joking (я просто шутил). Here (смотри: «вот»), I'll buy you another drink (я куплю тебе другой стаканчик). I just can't see a grown man crying (я просто не могу видеть взрослого мужчину плачущим /to grow-grew-grown — расти/)."

"No, that's not it (нет, дело не в этом), says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life (этот день был худшим в моей жизни). First (во-первых), I oversleep 'cause my alarm doesn't go off (я проспал: «просыпаю», потому что мой будильник не срабатывает), and I get to work late (и я опаздываю на работу; late — поздно). My boss is outraged (мой начальник возмущен; rage — ярость, гнев) and he fires me (увольняет меня). When I leave the building (когда я выхожу из здания; to leave — покидать, оставлять), to get to my car (чтобы сесть в машину), I find it was stolen (я обнаруживаю, что она /была/ угнана /to steal-stole-stolen — красть/), and the police say they can do nothing about it (и полиция говорит, что она ничего не может сделать /с этим, по этому поводу/). I get a cab to go home (я беру такси), and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house (и вспоминаю, что забыл свой бумажник и кредитки дома). The cab driver takes off without me (водитель такси уезжает без меня). I walk the six miles to home (я иду шесть миль до дома), and when I get there (и когда добираюсь туда), I find my wife in bed with the mailman (я нахожу свою жену в постели с почтальоном). I grab my wallet and come to this bar (хватаю свой бумажник и иду в этот бар), and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life (и когда я думал о том, чтобы положить конец своей жизни), you show up and drink my poison (ты появляешься и выпиваешь мой яд).

This guy is in a bar, just looking at his drink, he stays like that for half an hour, or so, then, this big burly trouble-maker a truck driver comes and sits next to him, and drinks what the guy was staring at. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a grown man crying."

"No, that's not it, says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep ‘cause my alarm doesn't go off, and I get to work late. My boss is outraged and he fires me. When I leave the building, to get to my car, I find it was stolen, and the police say they can do nothing about it. I get a cab to go home, and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house. The cab driver takes off without me. I walk the six miles to home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the mailman. I grab my wallet and come to this bar, and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

Come on man, I was just joking.

No, that's not it.

The police say they can do nothing about it.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland (двое нищих сидят на парковой скамейке в Ирландии). One is holding a cross (один держит крест) and one a Star of David (а один — звезду Давида).

Both are holding hats to collect contributions (оба держат шляпы для собирания милостыни; contribution — денежный вклад, пожертвование). People walk by (люди проходят мимо), lift their noses (поднимают = задирают /презрительно/ носы) at the man with the Star of David (на человека со звездой Давида) and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross (и кидают деньги в шляпу, которую держит /to hold-held-held/ человек c крестом; drop — капля; to drop — капать; ронять). Soon (вскоре) the hat of the man with the cross is filled (наполнена) and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty (пуста).

A priest watches (священник смотрит) and then approaches the men (затем подходит к мужчинам). He turns to (обращается) the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? (молодой человек, /разве/ вы не понимаете, что это христианская страна) You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David (вы никогда не получите милостыни в этой стране, держа звезду Давида)."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing!! (Мойше, посмотри, кто пытается научить нас маркетингу)"

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing!!"

Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country?

Moishe Cohen (Мойше Коган) goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"I need your advice (мне нужен ваш совет). My wife just gave birth to a girl (моя жена только что родила девочку: «дала рождение девочке» /to give-gave-given/)."

"Mazel tov (Поздравляю — идиш)."

"Thank you (спасибо). Can we name the baby after a relative? (мы можем назвать ребенка в честь родственника; relative ['[email protected]])"

"According to Jewish custom (согласно еврейской традиции: «обычаю»), you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother… (в честь умерших отца, матери, брата: «по умершему отцу…»)"

"But they are all still alive (но они все еще живы)," says Moishe.

"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that (о, мне ужасно жаль это слышать = весьма сожалею)," said the rabbi.

Moishe Cohen goes to see his rabbi.

"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."

"Mazel tov."

"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"

"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother…"

"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.

"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the rabbi.

Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that.

Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months (Лия входила и выходила из состояния комы уже несколько месяцев; to slip — скользить, проскользнуть).

Yet (тем не менее, однако) Tony, her husband (ее муж), had stayed by her bedside every single day (находился у ее постели каждый /единственный, отдельный/ день). One day, when Leah came to (= came to herself — пришла в себя /to come-came-come/), she motioned for Tony to come nearer (она поманила Тони подойти ближе; to motion — показывать жестом /что нужно сделать/). As he sat by her (когда он сел около нее /to sit-sat-sat/), she whispered (она прошептала), eyes full of tears (с глазами, полными слез),

"You know what? (знаешь что) You have been with me all through the bad times… (ты был со мной все это трудное время: «сквозь плохие времена» = мы пережили с тобой вместе все трудности).

When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me (когда я была уволена с моей секретарской работы, ты был там = рядом, чтобы поддержать меня).

When my first hairdressing business failed (когда мой первый «парикмахерский» бизнес провалился), you were there.

When I got knocked down by a car (когда я была сбита машиной; to knock — ударять), you were by my side (ты был со мной: side — сторона, бок).

When we lost our dear Jonathan (когда мы потеряли нашего дорогого Джонатана), you stayed right here (ты был здесь).

When my health started failing (когда мое здоровье начало слабеть; to fail — потерпеть неудачу; изменить, покинуть; недоставать; ослабевать, терять силы), you were still by my side…

You know what? (знаешь что)"

"What dear? (что, милая)" Tony gently asked (Тони нежно спросил), smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth (улыбаясь, в то время как его сердце начало наполняться теплом).

"I think you bring me bad luck (я думаю, ты приносишь мне несчастье, неудачу; luck — удача)."

Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times…

When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.

When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.

When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.

When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side…

You know what?"

"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

You know what?

Maurice and Sarah were getting old (старели) and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing (почувствовал, что его жена теряет слух /to feel-felt-felt/).

He decided to stage a test (он решил устроить проверку; stage — подмостки, сцена; to stage — инсценировать, осуществлять). One day, as Sarah read the paper (когда Сара читала газету), he stood a distance behind her chair (он встал на /некотором/ расстоянии от ее кресла /to stand-stood-stood/) and said, in a conversational voice (негромким: «разговорным» голосом; conversation — разговор), "Can you hear me? (ты можешь меня слышать)" Silence (тишина).

He moved towards her (он продвинулся поближе к ней). He was now 6 feet away (он был в 6 футах от нее). "Can you hear me?" Still silence (опять: «все еще» тишина).

Finally, he moved directly behind her chair (наконец он продвинулся прямо к ее креслу: «позади ее кресла») and bent over (и нагнулся /через/, перегнулся /to bend-bent-bent/), just inches from her ear (всего лишь в нескольких дюймах от ее уха), "Can you hear me?"

Sarah replied, "For the third time (в третий раз), Maurice, Yes I can!"

Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.

He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.

He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.