Терри Пратчетт - Театр жестокости (Theater of Cruelty)

YOU WANT ME TO… ER… GRASS SOMEONE UP? DROP A DIME ON SOMEONE? SING LIKE A PIGEON? NO. NO-ONE KILLED MR. SLUMBER. I CAN’T HELP YOU THERE.

“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” said Carrot, “I think you have.”

DAMN.

Death watched Carrot leave, ducking his head as he went down the narrow stairs of the hovel.

NOW THEN, WHERE WAS I…

“Excuse me,” said the wizened old man in the bed. “I happen to be 107, you know. I haven’t got all day.”

AH, YES, CORRECT.

Death sharpened his scythe. It was the first time he’d ever helped the police with their enquiries. Still, everyone had a job to do.

Corporal Carrot strolled easily around the town (капрал Моркоу прогуливался по городу). He had a Theory (у него была Теория). He’d read a book about Theories (он читал книгу о Теориях). You added up all the clues, and you got a Theory (вы складывали все улики и получали Теорию). Everything had to fit (все должно совпасть).

There were sausages (там были сосиски). Someone had to buy sausages (кто-то должен был купить сосиски). And then there were pennies (и были центовики). Normally only one subsection of the human race paid for things in pennies (обычно только одна категория человеческой расы платила за вещи центовиками).

He called in at a sausage maker (он зашел к сосисочнику; call in – зайти, заскочить). He found a group of children, and chatted to them for a while (он обнаружил группу детей и поболтал с ними немного).

Then he ambled back to the alley (затем легким шагом он вернулся в аллею), where Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (где копрал Шнобби нарисовал мелом контур трупа на земле) (colouring it in (разукрасив его), and adding a pipe and a walking stick (пририсовав трубку и трость) and some trees and bushes in the background (и несколько деревьев и кустарников на заднем плане)—people had already dropped 7p in his helmet (люди уже кинули 7 центов в его шлем)). He paid some attention to the heap of rubbish at the far end (он обратил внимание на кучу мусора в дальнем конце), and then sat down on a busted barrel (и затем сел на сломанную бочку).

“All right… you can come out now (хорошо, вы можете выходить),” he said, to the world at large (сказал он миру в целом = в пустоту). “I didn’t know there were any gnomes left in the world (не знал, что еще остались номы в мире).”

The rubbish rustled (мусор затрещал). They trooped out (они все вышли; troop – двигаться толпой)—the little man with the red hat (маленький мужчина в красной шляпе), the hunched back and the hooked nose (сгорбленной спиной и кривым носом), the little woman in the mob cap carrying the even smaller baby (маленькая женщина в домашнем чепце, несшая на руках еще более маленького ребенка), the little policeman (маленький полицейский), the dog with the ruff around its neck (собака с гривой вокруг шеи), and the very small alligator (и очень маленький аллигатор).

Corporal Carrot sat and listened.

“He made us do it (он вынудил нас сделать это),” said the little man. He had a surprisingly deep voice (у него был на удивление глубокий голос). “He used to beat us (он бил нас). Even the alligator (даже аллигатора). That was all he understood, hitting things with sticks (это все, что он понимал — бить все палкой). And he used to take all the money the dog Toby collected and get drunk (и он забирал все деньги, которые собирал пес Тоби, и напивался). And then we ran away and he caught us in the alley (а затем мы убежали, а он поймал нас в аллее) and started on Judy and the baby and he fell over and (и принялся за Джуди с малышом, и он споткнулся и упал и; fall over – споткнуться обо что-л. и упасть) —”

“Who hit him first (кто ударил его первым)?” said Carrot.

“All of us (все мы)!”

“But not very hard (но не очень сильно),” said Carrot. “You’re all too small (вы слишком маленькие). You didn’t kill him (вы не убивали его). I have a very convincing statement about that (у меня есть очень убедительные показания по этому поводу). So I went and had another look at him (поэтому я пошел и взглянул на него еще раз). He’d choked to death (он задохнулся). What’s this (что это)?”

He held up a little leather disc (он показал маленький кожаный диск; hold up – выставлять, показывать).

“It’s a swozzle (это пищалка),” said the little policeman. “He used it for the voices (он использовал ее, чтобы делать голоса). He said ours weren’t funny enough (говорил, наши недостаточно смешные).”

“That’s the way to do it (вот так это делается)!” said the one called Judy.

“It was stuck in his throat (она застряла у него в горле),” said Carrot. “I suggest you run away (я предлагаю вам убежать отсюда). Just as far as you can (так далеко, как только сможете).”

“We thought we could start a people’s co-operative (кооперативное общество народцев = балаган на паях),” said the leading gnome.

“You know… experimental drama, street theatre (экспериментальная драма, уличный театр), that sort of thing (и все такое). Not hitting each other with sticks (а не дубасить друг друга палками)…”

“You did that for children (вы делали это для детей)?” said Carrot.

“He said it was a new sort of entertainment (он сказал, что это новый вид развлечения). He said it’d catch on (он сказал, что это станет модным; catch on – становиться модным).”

Carrot stood up, and flicked the swozzle into the rubbish (щелчком запустил пищалку в мусор).

“People’ll never stand for it (люди никогда не потерпят этого),” he said. “That’s not the way to do it.”

Corporal Carrot strolled easily around the town. He had a Theory. He’d read a book about Theories. You added up all the clues, and you got a Theory. Everything had to fit.

There were sausages. Someone had to buy sausages. And then there were pennies. Normally only one subsection of the human race paid for things in pennies.

He called in at a sausage maker. He found a group of children, and chatted to them for a while.

Then he ambled back to the alley, where Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (colouring it in, and adding a pipe and a walking stick and some trees and bushes in the background—people had already dropped 7p in his helmet). He paid some attention to the heap of rubbish at the far end, and then sat down on a busted barrel.

“All right… you can come out now,” he said, to the world at large. “I didn’t know there were any gnomes left in the world.”

The rubbish rustled. They trooped out—the little man with the red hat, the hunched back and the hooked nose, the little woman in the mob cap carrying the even smaller baby, the little policeman, the dog with the ruff around its neck, and the very small alligator.

Corporal Carrot sat and listened.

“He made us do it,” said the little man. He had a surprisingly deep voice. “He used to beat us. Even the alligator. That was all he understood, hitting things with sticks. And he used to take all the money the dog Toby collected and get drunk. And then we ran away and he caught us in the alley and started on Judy and the baby and he fell over and —”

“Who hit him first?” said Carrot.

“All of us!”

“But not very hard,” said Carrot. “You’re all too small. You didn’t kill him. I have a very convincing statement about that. So I went and had another look at him. He’d choked to death. What’s this?”

He held up a little leather disc.

“It’s a swozzle,” said the little policeman. “He used it for the voices. He said ours weren’t funny enough.”

“That’s the way to do it!” said the one called Judy.

It was stuck in his throat,” said Carrot. “I suggest you run away. Just as far as you can.”

“We thought we could start a people’s co-operative,” said the leading gnome.

“You know… experimental drama, street theatre, that sort of thing. Not hitting each other with sticks…”

“You did that for children?” said Carrot.

“He said it was a new sort of entertainment. He said it’d catch on.”

Carrot stood up, and flicked the swozzle into the rubbish.

“People’ll never stand for it,” he said. “That’s not the way to do it.”

[*] Which is flat and goes through space on the back of an enormous turtle (который плоский и плывет сквозь космос на спине огромной черепахи), and why not (а почему бы и нет)…

[*] Which is flat and goes through space on the back of an enormous turtle, and why not…