Harry Turtledove - Give me back my Legions!

“I thought you would sooner drink your wine neat,” Vala Numonius said to Arminius.

“I would if you gentlemen were doing the same,” the German answered. “But if I get drunk while your heads stay clear, you’ll laugh at me. I don’t fancy that.”

The Roman cavalry commander looked surprised for a moment. Then he raised his cup in salute. “I’ve heard you were clever. It seems to be so.”

“For which I thank you.” Arminius also raised his cup. “Your health.” They grudgingly drank to each other.

When the cook came out to announce that supper was ready, Arminius was glad to see the man had a double chin and a potbelly. Who would have wanted a meal from a man who didn’t like his own cooking?

He had a skinnier slave of his own - or maybe the man who carried out the heavy tray of food was a more junior cook. The greens course was covered with a mixture of wine vinegar, olive oil, and ground spices. No German would have seasoned them that way, but Arminius had met such dressings in Pannonia. This one didn’t drive him wild, but he could deal with it.

Boiled turnips in a cheese sauce seemed less exotic. A German cook might have made the same dish, though the Roman cheese was sharper than Arminius was used to. The main course was roasted slices of boar. The meat was fine. The sauce, on the other hand . . .

“I know you Romans like garlic,” Arminius said. “But what’s that other spice you put on it, the one that bites the tongue?”

“That’s pepper,” Varus told him. “It comes into the Empire all the way from India.”

“Why?” Arminius asked.

“We like it,” Varus answered. The other Roman officers nodded so promptly, Arminius didn’t think they were agreeing only because their superior had spoken. Varus went on, “Don’t you care for the flavor it adds?”

“Maybe I’m just not used to it,” Arminius said. “I suppose it would be good to mask the taste of meat that’s going off. But what you have here is nice and fresh. It doesn’t need to be hidden by all that garlic and, uh, pepper.”

“We think bland food is boring,” Vala Numonius said. The officers nodded once more.

“What you eat is your business,” Arminius said. “But if you try to feed it to me, I may not like it so well. Romans and Germans are not the same.”

A considerable silence followed. Arminius decided he might have said too much even if his wine was watered. Varus said, “Do I need to remind you that you are a Roman citizen?”

“No, sir. I am proud to be a Roman citizen. It is a great honor.” Arminius knew the Romans reckoned it one. And he was proud - it showed he’d successfully deceived his foes. He went on, “My head and my heart are glad to be Roman. My tongue and my belly remember I was born German. I don’t know what to do about that.”

Varus and several officers smiled. Not all of them did, though. A man Arminius didn’t know asked, “Was it your German tongue that made you say your people ought to chase all the Romans out of Germany?”

The pork suddenly sat heavy in Arminius’ stomach. He was in his enemies’ power here. If they wanted to stretch out a hand and crush him, they could. The trick, then, was making sure they didn’t want to - or, at least, making sure the most powerful one didn’t.

“I never said anything like that,” Arminius answered steadily. “I never would say anything like that. Whoever told you I did – whoever told you I would - is a liar. There are Germans who do not love me. Segestes insulted me, and you know how I answered his insult. So now Segestes spreads lies wherever he can, and uses his friends to spread them, too. I can’t do anything about that except to remind you they are lies.”

He waited. They didn’t have to believe him. Some of them plainly didn’t. But Varus said, “Yes, we’ve been over this ground before. Don’t worry, Arminius. Whatever Segestes and his friends say, we know we need to take it cum grano salis.”

“ ‘With a grain of salt’?” Arminius echoed. “I know what the words mean, but not the phrase.”

“It means we have to doubt whatever they say,” Varus explained. “And that is so - we do.” He looked down from the head of the table, waiting for anyone to challenge him.

No one did. At a German feast, someone would have. And when someone challenged him, it would have gone from words to spears in the blink of an eye. The Romans accepted Varus’ guidance because he held the highest rank among them.

Was that better or worse than the German way? It was simpler, anyhow. If the man of highest rank knew what he was doing, everyone would do well by obeying his commands.

If he didn’t . . . Arminius slept at Mindenum that night. He left the encampment the next morning. The Romans could have rid themselves of a great danger. They didn’t. Arminius waited till he was more than a bowshot away from the encampment’s earthwork and ditch. Then, making sure he kept his back to Mindenum so the sentries wouldn’t notice him doing it, he laughed and laughed and laughed some more.

Roman soldiers liked to complain. Vala Numonius knew as much. But what Lucius Eggius was doing went far beyond complaint. “You really should watch your tongue,” the cavalry commander said. “If you don’t, someone will say you’re trying to incite a mutiny.”

“By the gods, maybe we need one!” Eggius burst out.

Vala Numonius looked at him. “I am going to do you the biggest favor anyone ever did. I am going to pretend I didn’t hear that. You can thank me when you come to your senses.”

To Numonius’ vast relief, the other officer realized he’d gone too far. “I’ll thank you now, and thank you kindly,” he said. “But how we could have let that cursed German walk out of here ... It makes no sense. You can’t tell me it does. Nobody can, not if he wants me to believe it.”

“You think Arminius is more dangerous than Quinctilius Varus does,” Numonius said.

“He’s a barbarian. Why take chances with him? If he’s done a tenth part of what his woman’s father says he has, he’s a menace,” Eggius said. “Getting hold of Germany is hard enough if we do get rid of the troublemakers. Why let ‘em run around loose?”

“Arminius isn’t just a barbarian.” Vala Numonius pointed out what should have been obvious. “He’s a Roman citizen. He’s a member of the Equestrian Order - one step below the Senate. He can appeal any sentence to Augustus.”

Eggius snorted scornfully. “Let’s see him appeal being dead. We’d all sleep better of nights after he was.”

“Would we?” Numonius was anything but convinced. “Or would that start the big German uprising when Arminius alive didn’t?”

He startled Lucius Eggius; he could see as much. “That’d be a pretty kettle of fish, wouldn’t it?” Eggius said.

“It would.” Numonius pressed his advantage: “And what do you think Augustus would do to the people who sparked a rebellion here, especially when Tiberius still hasn’t cleaned up the mess in Pannonia?”

Eggius winced like a man contemplating a bad hangover. “That wouldn’t be pretty, would it?”

“I don’t think so.” The cavalry commander thought that made a pretty respectable understatement. “So why don’t you be a little more careful before you start talking about killing Germans you don’t happen to like? And it won’t happen anyway, because his Excellency likes Arminius.” Vala Numonius didn’t, but he, unlike Lucius Eggius, understood subordination.

“I know he does.” If the knowledge gave Eggius any pleasure, he hid it very well. “You think I worry about the barbarian too much? I’ll tell you something, Numonius - he doesn’t worry about him enough, and you can mark my words. He thinks Arminius is a tame dog. He can’t see a wild wolf when one’s standing right in front of him.”

Vala Numonius didn’t try to argue. What was the point? Instead, he answered indirectly: “All these Germans are wolves - now. A lifetime ago, all the Gauls were wolves, too. They’ve settled down. Fifty years from now, the governor is sure these Germans will have, too. And we’ll be wondering what we ought to do about the barbarians on the far side of the Elbe. That’s what the Roman Empire does: we move forward.”

“Hrmp.” Lucius Eggius’ grunt was not one of agreement. “The reason the Gauls settled down is, Caesar walloped the piss out of them. They knew they were licked. They knew we were better men. We cursed well showed them we were. The Germans don’t believe it. And why should they? We’ve won some against them, but they’ve won some against us, too. We haven’t convinced ‘em we can squash ‘em whenever we put our minds to it.”

“It’s this miserable country,” Numonius said. “Bogs and swamps and woods and gods only know what all else. No place where an army can form a proper battle line and show the savages how real soldiers do it.”

“You’re right,” Eggius said. This time, he surprised Vala Numonius. “Yeah, you’re right,” he repeated. “But so what?”

“What do you mean, so what?” the cavalry commander demanded. “It’s the truth. If it weren’t for the country, we would have beaten the Germans a long time ago.”

“And if it weren’t for the ocean, you could walk from Sicily to Carthage, too,” Eggius said. Vala Numonius gasped at the unfairness of the comeback. But Eggius couldn’t see it. He pressed ahead: “Don’t you get it? Why we haven’t beaten the stinking barbarians doesn’t matter. That we haven’t beaten them does. It matters a lot. They still think they can mess with us. And they may even be right, a plague take them.”

“It’s not that they’re such wonderful warriors,” Numonius said. “They skulk, and they hide, and they sneak out and bite us like spiders or scorpions. The lay of the land lets them do it.”

“The lay of the land’s got blond hair down to here and tits out to there.” Lucius Eggius gestured lewdly. Vala Numonius winced. Eggius got more serious - a little, anyhow. “But you’re not wrong - this country is a big pile of turds,” he said. “The fun and games we go through getting back to the Rhine every winter prove that. I wish we had a route where we weren’t up to our knees in muck most of the time.”

“I’ll bet the Germans know a route like that,” Numonius said.

“Sure. But will they tell us? Don’t hold your breath, friend,” Eggius said, which had the unfortunate ring of truth. “We need proper roads here. We need ‘em worse than anything else.”

Numonius nodded. “The governor knows that. I expect we’ll have them before very long.”

“But we need ‘em now.” Lucius Eggius hawked and spat. “By Venus’ cunt, we’ve needed ‘em for years.”

“Well, you may be right.” That was the most polite brush-off Numonius knew. Some people kept pounding with hammers even when there wasn’t a nail in sight. And Lucius Eggius, all too plainly, was one of them.

X

From perhaps half a mile away, Sigimerus eyed the Roman encampment of Mindenum. “You want us to go in there?” he asked, his voice rising in disbelief.

But Arminius nodded. “I do, Father. I’ve been in and out several times. Varus thinks I can’t possibly be dangerous. And why? Because I don’t hide from him, that’s why. He doesn’t believe someone who is an enemy of Rome would dare let the legionaries get their hands on him whenever they please.”

“I can see why he doesn’t,” Sigimerus muttered.

A train of ox-drawn wagons guarded by Roman soldiers brought supplies from the Lupia River to the fortress. By now, after a couple of years, the wagons had worn deep ruts in the German soil. The Romans thought they were wearing their way into Germany in the same fashion. Arminius stubbornly refused to believe it. That the invaders felt they needed so many men to protect their goods showed how far from victory they were. It did to him, anyhow.

“Come on. He will treat you with honor,” Arminius said. “Why shouldn’t he? Aren’t you the father of a Roman citizen, the father of a veteran of the Roman auxiliaries?” Sigimerus was the father of two veterans of the Roman auxiliaries, but Arminius refused to think about Flavus, who was still fighting in Pannonia.

“Gods grant I am not the father of a fool,” Sigimerus said.

Despite the gibe, he followed Arminius toward the fort. He studied it with keen interest as they got closer. Arminius understood that. The Romans were masters of fieldcraft. No German army had ever dreamt of protecting itself in hostile country the way the Romans did. The Germans thought the Romans worked too hard . . . till they had to attack one of those encampments. Then the legionaries’ labor proved its worth - again and again and again.

A Roman soldier outside the rampart spied the approaching Germans and trotted over to see who they were and what they might be up to. “Oh, it’s you,” he said, recognizing Arminius. He sounded polite but businesslike: not a tone a German would have been likely to take. “Who’s this, ah, gentleman with you?”

Who’s this barbarian with you? That was what he’d been on the point of asking. Arminius was sure of it. But the Roman had swallowed the insult, so Arminius had to pretend he didn’t know it was there. “This is my father - his name is Sigimerus. He has come to meet the great Quinctilius Varus, whose praises he has often heard from me.”

No German would have swallowed flattery laid on even half so thick. But the legionary did. The Romans were in the habit of extravagantly flattering one another. They might have been so many dogs, licking one another’s privates and assholes. But they were dangerous dogs.

This one wasn’t dangerous now; the flattery put him at ease. “Well, he can do that. You can do that. Come along with me, and I’ll bring you to the gate.”

By the way he spoke, he intended to be obeyed. Arminius had to use an effort of will to keep his hand from dropping to the hilt of his sword. How dared this trooper order him around? But Arminius had seen that Romans always thought they could order anyone who wasn’t a Roman around, just because they were Romans.

Yet another reason to make sure they lost their hold on Germany.

Arminius glanced over to his father. Sigimerus was less used to Roman arrogance than he was himself. The older man looked ready to murder the legionary who was leading them to the encampment. Ever so slightly, Arminius shook his head.

His father’s raised eyebrows asked, How can you put up with people like this, even for a moment? And Arminius’ tiny shrug answered, Well, what choice have I got? He couldn’t see any, not yet.

The men at the gate greeted him politely enough. “Hail,” one of them called. “Come to call on the governor again?”

“That’s right,” Arminius answered.

“Is that your father with you?” the Roman asked. “The two of you have a family look.”

“Yes, it is,” Arminius replied in Latin. In his own language, he added, “Do you understand them, Father?”

“Well enough,” Sigimerus said, also in the Germans’ tongue. He switched to Latin slower and less fluent than Arminius’ to give the sentries his name.

“Hail, Sigimerus,” said the one who’d greeted Arminius. “Welcome to Mindenum.”